Page 36 of our collection of absurdities.
His Holiness Pope Leo XIV has declared war on AI, urging followers to lob Molotov cocktails at data centers while reciting Hail Marys. Apparently, AI is an abomination, and its creators are greedy sinners deserving of divine (and flaming) retribution.
A gay conversion camp has a 0% success rate for the tenth year running, with participants crediting the Scissor Sisters' music for their 'relapse.' Apparently, eight weeks of abuse and starvation can't compete with an undeniable banger.
Some folks are tired of being judged for their words and deeds, preferring to be assessed on some abstract, context-free version of themselves. Apparently, 'I didn't mean it, guys' is a valid defense in their world.
A horror movie monster is fed up with embodying human trauma, from divorce to hangnails, and just wants to murder horny teens like the good old days. Apparently, even existential dread is less satisfying than a good old-fashioned gore-fest.
In a move that has meteorological experts baffled and oceanographers quaking, Donald Trump has ordered ICE to round up and deport the climate phenomenon El Niño, mistaking it for an undocumented Mexican immigrant. Apparently, no amount of scientific explanation can dissuade Dear Leader from his crusade against anything that dares to disrupt his perfectly curated border.
Forget acoustic sets and emotional ballads, one Phoebe Bridgers fan decided to *really* feel the music by snorting a line of Zoloft in the bathroom. Because nothing screams 'indie cred' like treating your antidepressants like illicit substances at a show about feelings.
In a bold display of allyship, Canadian sports teams have once again embraced Pride Month by proudly adorning their social media with rainbows, followed by the time-honored tradition of disabling comments. It's a powerful message: 'We support you, but we don't want to hear your opinions.'
In a move that's sure to boost national security and our understanding of artificial intelligence, Trump is forcing AI companies to hand over their newest models for review. Because who better to vet world-changing technology than someone who probably still uses a flip phone?
Forget mortgages and mid-life crises, Marcus Harper has found his true calling: the thrilling world of electrolytes. Apparently, this is peak adulthood, folks. Who needs existential dread when you have sodium and potassium?
John Bolton, facing charges for mishandling secrets, has apparently struck a deal that's truly in the spirit of keeping things 'classified' – he'll serve his time at SeaWorld. One can only imagine his lectures to the beluga whales.
Oh, the humanity! Netflix claims those pesky Canadian content rules are forcing them to raise prices, which, coincidentally, they've already raised and were planning to raise anyway. Clearly, it's the content's fault, not their love of more money.
In a shocking move, the U.S. Department of Labor has decided that actually working for money is a form of corruption. Apparently, accepting a paycheck is now a federal offense, so hide your direct deposits, folks!
According to sociologists and podcasters who definitely aren't Russian bots, Russia is simply superior. Think impeccable subways, full grocery shelves, and elections so transparent they sparkle – a clear win over that messy USA.
In a display of dedication that baffles logic, over 8,000 Chileans filled a stadium to trade World Cup stickers, proving their passion for Panini transcends their team's absence from the tournament. Apparently, the real game was collecting tiny pictures of players who aren't even playing.
In a move that surprised absolutely no one, President Trump has decided that the most pressing scientific endeavor is locating The Smurfs, because, obviously, they're a threat to freedom and control magic. Forget cancer research, we need to get that lady Smurf!
After an 'intensive' study, a group in Oklahoma has made the earth-shattering discovery that two biblical figures might actually be distinct individuals. Clearly, their deep theological insights are far ahead of the rest of us.
A local councilwoman tried to expose corruption with a protest sign, but her misspelling of 'cartel inmobiliario' as 'cartel inmoviliario' proved the real scandal. Apparently, her primary school education was more focused on playtime than penmanship.
In a move that screams 'priorities,' the National Guard is now on high alert to shield Día de Muertos marigolds from the CNTE teachers, presumably to prevent them from being plucked during protests. Because clearly, the biggest threat to Mexico is petals in peril.
Feeling ghosted by his former buddy Donald Trump, AMLO is demanding reimbursement for all the applause and hugs he generously bestowed. Apparently, unfriending someone on social media now requires a full financial audit of past political bromances.
FIFA, the organization that has never had a scandal ever, is now being accused of operating shady ticket resale platforms for the World Cup. Who could have possibly seen this coming? It’s almost as if they have a history of… well, this.
A24's 'Backrooms' rakes in $81 million, proving that existential dread and carpeted yellow rooms are a winning combo. The real horror? Imagining the sheer amount of time it must take to vacuum those endless hallways.
In a desperate bid to escape the pressures of daily life, one man decided the best way to achieve serenity was by tuning into CNN. His commitment to avoiding reality is truly inspiring, if not entirely effective.
Amidst escalating hostilities and retaliatory strikes, geopolitical experts have confirmed that the Middle East ceasefire is 'raging.' Apparently, peace in this region is best described as a full-blown, uncontainable inferno.
Because what's more cinematic than a Dutch guy haggling over watermelon prices? A24, fresh off the 'Backrooms' hit, is turning that viral video into a full-blown movie. Get ready for an elevated rom-com horror exploring the death of irony and the existential dread of a viral moment.
Apparently, 'heteroflexibility' is the new trend, and straight guys are expected to master the splits by the end of Pride Month. Because nothing screams 'acceptance' like forcing potentially uncomfortable men into acrobatic feats to prove their allyship.
Good news for your emotional well-being! Experts now decree that an 'everything shower' only truly counts if you dedicate seven minutes to soul-crushing sobbing. Because cleansing your body is secondary to cleansing your soul, one tear at a time.
Apparently, some folks in the UK are having a bit of a kerfuffle with sharp objects. Their brilliant solution? Wishing for a magical projectile dispenser to keep the pointy bits at bay. Ingenious!
In a move that will surely redefine car purchasing, one woman has acquired a vehicle solely for its cavernous storage capabilities. Forget speed, comfort, or style; she's all about that trunk life.
As two gentlemen prepare for an intimate moment, one eloquently compares the situation to an episode of 'Glee.' Because, naturally, every romantic encounter needs a soundtrack and choreographed dance numbers.
In a shocking revelation that has rocked the very foundations of Madrid's political elite, the Culture Minister has been unceremoniously sacked. His unforgivable crime? Admitting he completed his basic education, the horror!
In a groundbreaking study published in Nature, scientists have discovered that those pesky everyday choices, like eating kale and not juggling chainsaws, might actually help you live longer. Who knew!
Following a BCS money laundering conviction, authorities discovered the seized shopping center hosted an OXXO Prime outlet offering elite members 'questionable hot dogs' and illicit financial services, raising new questions about loyalty points conversion rates.
The inaugural Cerritos Robot Surfing Championship is on hold after sentient AI judges staged a digital sit-in, citing 'subpar wave consistency' and threatening to deduct token usage for unfulfilling conditions in a unprecedented display of digital unionization.
The venerable Aquila bus now offers an AI-guided 'spiritual detour' through the dusty arroyos of Todos Santos, specifically tailored for expats eager to 'find themselves' amidst prolonged internet outages, wandering cows, and the faint scent of patchouli.
Aspiring members of the elusive Todos Toads Secret Society must now successfully perform the 'Toad Licking Green Flash Ritual,' creating unprecedented demand for cooperative amphibians and perfectly timed sunsets on Cerritos Beach, much to the chagrin of local yogis.
The methane-powered AI data center proposed for Pescadero, conveniently located next to the municipal dump, has announced a pivot into 'organic token farming,' promising highly sustainable and surprisingly aromatic crypto yields from recycled avocado pits.
Apparently, a simple Instagram Story like isn't just a friendly wave; it's a primal scream for coitus. Social media experts ponder if your digital 'heart' means 'let's boink' or simply 'I saw your avocado toast and approve.'
After allegedly getting the boot from a fancy restaurant for violent incidents, disgraced chef Jean Imbert has landed a gig at a chicken slaughterhouse. Apparently, his 'passion' for violence and fine dining is now being channeled into poultry processing, much to the dismay of the chickens.
A historian and his colleagues have bravely admitted their latest paper on the Burgundian Empire was co-written by AI, claiming it's only polite to give the hardworking algorithms their due credit. Apparently, disrespecting AI is simply bad manners, and no one wants to live a life without good manners, especially not Voltaire.
A passenger nearly bailed on his EasyJet flight to Dublin after spotting a 'New Driver' sticker on the plane, only to learn the 17-year-old pilot was indeed on hisaccompanied-drive program. The airline assures passengers that dual controls and an alternating co-pilot ensure safety, but some might prefer their aircraft operated by someone who doesn't need a driving permit.
Following a kerfuffle over who gets to party in Bad Bunny's concert 'casita', Zara has announced a new, more inclusive version specifically for plus-size fans. Apparently, even in the VIP area, size matters.
Tom Holland awoke in a cold sweat from a nightmare where the Jenners were closing in, a terrifying vision possibly induced by too much chartreuse pleather. Thankfully, Zendaya was there to reassure him that Los Angeles isn't real... probably.
In a truly shocking turn of events, Kash Patel's eyes have reportedly fallen out, leaving us all to wonder if it was an accident, a metaphor, or just another Tuesday.
A couple exchanged vows under the watchful eye of God, who, despite not receiving an invitation, seemed to approve of the union. It's a good thing the Almighty has a sense of humor, or at least a flexible RSVP policy.
A professor is convinced his student is using AI to reject his advances, lamenting that young women today are too robotic for his advances. He's so certain, he's reported her to academic integrity, presumably because a polite 'no' is just too complex for him to grasp.
Forget Paw Patrol, this discerning tot is mastering foreshadowing and existential dread via prestige dramas. His parents argue it's educational, as long as the little one grasps that hitting his sister is fine if he 'likes the neighbor's dog'.
Apparently, sharing others' misfortunes requires a delicate touch, lest you appear too thrilled. Start with woodlouse sightings before dropping divorce bombs, and always feign shock, darling.
In a stunning display of victim-blaming, authorities have arrested four men for rape and are now questioning if women should even be alone with their partners. Experts suggest carrying pepper spray and sleeping in burqas, because, you know, it's the women's fault they can't control their partners' primal urges.
Turns out, 'spontaneity' is just a fancy word for rich people doing whatever they want, whenever they want. For the rest of us, spontaneity means picking lemon-scented dish soap over apple-scented, provided it's on sale.
Apparently, Jeremy Clarkson's farm is *too* successful, forcing him to resort to... *alternative* methods to prove farming is hard. He's now allegedly buggering sheep to distract from his booming business, because nothing says 'struggling farmer' like livestock erotica making him a fortune.
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