Page 38 of our collection of absurdities.
Apparently, throwing bins at police doesn't magically solve societal problems, a revelation met with shock by those with prior convictions for violence. Britain has learned that smashing up the place is less helpful than a chocolate teapot.
An 18-year-old NEET, who believes AI stole all entry-level jobs, has found solace in his mother's theory that LinkedIn is just a US surveillance plot. He's waiting for AI to offer him a job, which sounds about as likely as him washing a dish.
In a bold move to achieve influencer harmony, New York Pizza decided to euthanize the bullies on their Greek trip. Apparently, even pepperoni can't cure a bad attitude when it comes to social media stars.
Seeking to save billions, France's government now forces job counselors to live with the recently laid off. Get ready for your new roommate who constantly reminds you to apply for at least ten jobs before bedtime.
Turns out, retirement doesn't pay the bills when gas prices are higher than a tennis ball served by Serena Williams. She's now forced to trade her comfy slippers for grass courts, hoping for a quarter-final finish to afford a tank of fuel.
Finally, music for people who want to hear absolutely nothing while pretending to work. These artists are so expertly bland, they make spreadsheets more exciting than any actual melody.
In a stunning display of American 'innovation,' a sperm clinic offers donors a Solo cup, a ketchup packet, and a grainy Lois Griffin printout. Apparently, world-class healthcare in the richest country means sacrificing lubricant for a Family Guy hallucination.
Apparently, the best way to live life and win arguments is to start fights with strangers for no reason. This 'expert' suggests it's better to throw a coma-inducing punch than to risk *not* getting into a meaningless altercation. Who needs diplomacy when you have a 'coma punch'?
A cruise ship experienced a hantavirus outbreak with a diagnosis range so vast it includes everyone on Earth and maybe a few squirrels. Experts are baffled, but hey, at least the infected passengers will be quarantined until sometime between 2026 and 2036.
After 11 years, this married couple fears their podcast has run out of topics, because apparently, silence is the new foreplay for their show. They're now considering if their marriage can survive the crippling boredom of their own creative output.
Apparently, all those breathless articles about the benefits of jogging were just a clever ruse. A Harvard study hilariously reveals that lacing up for 30 minutes actually adds a full 30 minutes of *extra* stress, proving that some 'healthy' habits are just pure torture.
On Primary Election Day, the streets of California were buzzing with the profound wisdom of voters still clinging to the Democratic party. Apparently, the reasons are as shocking and unpredictable as a frog wearing a tiny hat.
In a desperate, perhaps even deranged, attempt to appease the Star Wars fanbase, Disney is unleashing a new trilogy dedicated to that universally beloved character, Jar Jar Binks. Get ready for more 'Meesa' than you can shake a midi-chlorian at!
Bless their hearts, these corporations were just posting their shiny new Pride Month logos, completely oblivious to the fact that Donald Trump is, in fact, president. Apparently, they missed the memo that rainbow colors are now considered highly treasonous.
In a stunning confession, Satan has claimed responsibility for the very existence of raisins. Apparently, it was all a cosmic accident, a clerical error in the infernal department of dried fruit.
President Trump is reportedly flabbergasted to discover that genocidal jihadists aren't exactly known for their adherence to fair play during peace talks. Who knew wishing really hard didn't make them good negotiators?
A minor metro failure in Mexico City turned into an unexpected urban safari, with passengers gratefully disembarking to admire axolotl murals on the train cars. Forget your destination, enjoy the art!
A heroic garbage worker thwarted a group of educators intent on using a sanitation truck as a battering ram. Apparently, even professors can't resist a good ol' fashioned act of vandalism with municipal property.
To 'enhance' the city's image for the World Cup, Mexico City plans to paint protesters purple, transforming them into a living tourist attraction resembling axolotls. Because nothing screams 'culture' like a flock of dyed demonstrators.
Serena Williams is back on the court, prompting confusion about her four-year hiatus. One analyst wonders how she'll explain this little 'break' on her resume, especially to her employer, the tennis world.
Apparently, Oscar the Grouch's dumpster diving tips and Cookie Monster's carb-loading strategies are now considered too controversial for impressionable young minds. Sesame Workshop has decided kids today are too delicate for a little bit of fuzzy learning, so prepare for a content advisory before Grover reads you a bedtime story.
Donald Pols, a man of many past affiliations, is on the hunt for a new career path. He's specifically looking for a company that can accommodate his unique blend of desires: strict climate policy, lax climate policy, and a dash of racial segregation. Apparently, he's an open book, as long as you have internet access.
Senate hopeful Graham Platner insists his 'I (Heart) Hitler' tattoo was a fashion faux pas before he realized it might raise a *slight* eyebrow. Apparently, he just thought it was a cute way to express affection for a particular historical figure, without any of that pesky Nazi baggage.
Forget concrete cells, one lucky (or unlucky) individual gets to serve his time in the cozy confines of a motorhome. One can only imagine the stellar views and limited legroom.
In a tale as old as time (or at least as old as Panini stickers), a hopeful young man was left abandoned at the altar of sticker trading. His collection of duplicates must be weeping.
Authorities revealed that the city's sudden purple phase for bridges was merely a large-scale psychological experiment. Apparently, the experiment's main finding was that people notice when you paint things purple.
Forget the birds and the bees, this columnist is apparently trying to repopulate the nation with tales of lukewarm romance fueled by reruns of Dutch television. Apparently, thinking about Tijs van den Brink is the ultimate aphrodisiac for procreation.
An environmental activist, ousted from Tata Steel for past ties to a pro-apartheid group, claims he intended to reform them from the inside. His new mission? To transform a local Albert Heijn supermarket from within, one checkout at a time.
Facing pre-exam jitters, a Spanish teacher attempted to calm her students by reminding them that ultimately, 'nothing matters too much because we all die alone.' Apparently, existential dread is the new motivational poster.
Following his grand gesture of wrapping the Pont-Neuf, artist JR has now set his sights on draping Gérard Larcher in recycled fabric, apparently because Emmanuel Macron's ego proved too vast for the world's supply of textiles. Critics are already hailing it as a bold move to make the Senate president more visible.
Alberto Núñez Feijóo is apparently ready to pay top dollar for his country's 'decency,' asking coalition partners how much they want to ditch the current government. He's even willing to name his price if they're too shy to bid.
Labour's tax-and-spend debates have inspired a quiz where participants hilariously identify everyone else as deserving of higher taxes and lower benefits. Turns out, we all think we're the 'ordinary Briton' entitled to the windfall.
His Holiness Pope Leo XIV has decreed that while hate is generally bad, directed fury at the Chicago White Sox front office is not only permissible but divinely sanctioned. Apparently, even the Almighty draws the line at decades of baseball blunders.
Discovering two cavities is a drag, but for one patient, the soothing sounds of Sade during dental work transform a minor oral crisis into a moment of profound personal reflection. It's a reminder that even decay has a soundtrack.
FBI Director Kash Patel is under fire for using taxpayer-funded jets for personal grooming, specifically blow-drying his hair. In a bizarre twist, officials report he's now unavailable for comment after a slight misunderstanding involving a jet turbine.
In a move that will shock absolutely no one, Donald Trump has established an $88 billion fund for any man who's ever been told 'no' by a woman. Apparently, documenting dating app rejection is now grounds for a presidential bailout.
A pair of parents deliver a tearful lecture to their daughter, not about her secret life as a serial killer, but about why she didn't confide in them sooner. Their biggest concern? That she thought they'd be ashamed.
Greta Sampson and Arnold White, wisely acknowledging the futility of a matchmaker, proceed to ensure they receive maximum value for their dubious investment. It's a testament to their commitment to 'getting their money's worth,' no matter the outcome.
Apparently, hiring a former eco-terrorist and far-right student leader as your sustainability chief wasn't the best move for Tata Steel. The company claims he had 'three faces' and ruined their pristine reputation, promising to screen future hires 'better'.
Robin van Persie bravely defends Raheem Sterling's DUI dashcam footage, praising his 'excellent' driving and calling criticism 'typically Dutch cynicism.' He suggests one shouldn't judge a man for parking his Lamborghini against a guardrail while high.
Roland-Garros continues its tradition of thrilling spectators with matches featuring players so obscure, even their opponents don't know who they are. Experts advise watching Finnish football or field hockey for a less disorienting experience.
Forget your star signs, this horoscope is a masterclass in reverse psychology and societal commentary. Apparently, Aries can't critique Bad Bunny without losing friends, and Geminis should brace for the ultimate career path: living with parents. Leo, your celestial destiny? Embrace Catholicism, for reasons unknown and likely hilarious.
Britain's universities have successfully reverted to their original design: havens for the rich and foolish. Gone are the pesky intelligent youths; now, only the chinless, inbred elite can afford to be insulted with Latin. It’s a mercy, really, for professors who just want to spout knowledge at uncomprehending posh thickos.
A 45-year-old man who exclusively dates women in their 20s extols their 'wisdom beyond their years' and lack of cellulite, bafflingly forgetting that 20-something men apparently still film themselves falling off things. Clearly, he prefers intellectual pursuits like discussing his Porsche with cleavage-focused 22-year-olds.
For the romantically challenged, fear not! This guide offers hope for overweight chaps to woo pop princesses, with tips like 'slide into her DMs, king' or proposing at an arena show. Apparently, a criminal record and public urination are excellent ways to get Ariana Grande's attention. What could possibly go wrong?
A Facebook group dedicated to remembering 'the good old days' is flooded with AI-generated images of the past, featuring unnervingly perfect children with the wrong number of legs and oddly anachronistic fashion. Apparently, the past was so much better, even the algorithms are struggling to make it convincingly real.
In a heartwarming display of non-reaction, Labour politicians are perfectly quiet following yet another stabbing in their 'Stab Britain' initiative. Apparently, thoughts and prayers have been replaced with a deafening silence, which is definitely a solution.
Forget being a jack of all trades, this guy is a master of all faiths, somehow managing to be a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew simultaneously. He must have a divine schedule, and frankly, God probably needs a bigger Venn diagram for this one.
A political party is adamant they aren't Nazis, despite posing for photos with actual Nazis at a summit. They claim it's just a coincidence that they share similar ideals and views, but even the Nazis are now asking to be unassociated. Apparently, the Holocaust is just 'differently viewed' and 'a fairytale' to them.
An expert explains that the 'tense' situation between Israel and Iran, involving threats of strikes and calls for ceasefires, is merely 'playful bickering' between 'comrades'. He reassures us that Netanyahu is just 'a bit angry' and it's all just part of their long negotiation process, like a toddler refusing to share a toy.
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