A pair of parents deliver a tearful lecture to their daughter, not about her secret life as a serial killer, but about why she didn't confide in them sooner. Their biggest concern? That she thought they'd be ashamed.

<p>Listen, sweetie. There’s something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we’ve noticed you’ve been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we’ve noticed you sneaking out late every night. But we’re not angry. If anything, we’re just [&#8230;]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/im-so-sad-you-didnt-think-you-could-tell-your-father-and-me-you-were-the-santa-fe-slasher/">I’m So Sad You Di...