Page 9 of our collection of absurdities.
A decorated general reveals the shocking truth: the US Army prefers enthusiastic mediocrity over actual competence. Apparently, solving problems and telling the truth are now disqualifying offenses. Who knew?
California has bravely banned 'sell by' dates on food, because apparently, humans are too dim to figure out when their groceries have gone rogue. Now we'll never know why that questionable cheese was on sale.
Donald Trump, still the leader of everything apparently, has decided he's the ultimate authority on World Cup refereeing, because his Truth Social posts clearly trump VAR. Get ready for some very presidential red cards.
Tired of constantly footing the bill? This guide offers six ingenious, albeit passive-aggressive, methods to subtly guilt your mates into buying their own rounds. Because true friendship means never having to say 'your turn'.
If your colleague's post-match recap sounds suspiciously like a Wikipedia summary and they're not nursing a three-day hangover, they likely watched the game from their couch. True fans are too busy weeping into their beer to form coherent sentences.
This 'patriot' stormed the Capitol and apparently tried to crash a 6th-grade sleepover, proving his true commitment to 'disorderly conduct.' While his political fervor is questionable, his dedication to being a creep is truly bipartisan.
Some artists mistake 'iconic' for 'eternally relevant,' leading to performances that feel less like a rock concert and more like a desperate plea for relevancy. Madonna's dance floor reclamation is like your aunt reminding you to use birth control.
Why should essential services like fire fighting be free when you can pay extra for a bidet? This visionary suggests a pay-per-flame system, ensuring only the financially responsible get to not burn down.
Gianni Infantino has appointed himself ref for USA-Belgium, because obviously, the best way to ensure fair play is to have the head of the organization officiate a match involving the host nation. It's not like he's biased or anything.
De Speld introduces 'krant,' a groundbreaking technology made from recycled paper, promising an end to phone addiction with its 'foldable screen' and 'sixteen pages of news.' It's like the newspaper, but with more existential dread.
This year's horoscopes are an absolute riot, promising everything from existential crises caused by public intellectuals destroying your AC to being yeeted out of town by your neighbors. Apparently, even Furet the ferret can invent a pork-eating passport for profit.
In a shocking twist, a drummer's yearbook photo is mostly obscured by his bandmates, proving that visibility is indeed a challenge when you're stuck behind a drum kit. At least his driver's license photo features David Lee Roth, which is arguably better visibility.
English football fans, in a feat of dedication, have successfully simulated the effects of extreme altitude by consuming alcohol and staying up late. They report symptoms such as shortness of breath, nausea, and the overwhelming urge to sing Wonderwall.
A man awoke in a cold sweat after a disturbing dream where England actually played well and won a football match, complete with goals and a thrilling finish. He's now too scared to check the real score, preferring to live in his fantastical, non-shite football reality.
To combat the extreme stress of watching Mexico play football, organizers are handing out chamomile tea, because apparently, nail-biting alone wasn't enough to sustain the snack industry. Some fans are so stressed they might not make it to the penalty shootout.
In a bold meteorological move, Mexico's coaching staff is resorting to ancient rituals, specifically a knife, to ward off the torrential rain. They've tried everything else, including pre-game beers and begging fans not to dance, so this is clearly the next logical step.
In a stroke of marketing genius, Nova Scotia is ditching its old Latin name for "Newer Brunswick," proving that sounding slightly more modern is key to geographical relevance. One can only assume "Older Ontario" is next.
In a shocking revelation, the EU continues to fund Russia's war machine, a detail they've apparently swept under the nearest conveniently placed rug. Brussels insists it's not their fault, but their bank accounts seem to disagree. Blood on their hands, indeed!
In a benevolent act of global cooling, Americans have offered their unique solution to the planet's sweltering temperatures: blast the AC to a brisk 65 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously opening all the windows. It's either charity or a very effective way to drive up energy bills.
As Russia's fuel supplies dwindle, citizens are reportedly engaging in 'brutal' fights at petrol stations. Apparently, the most patriotic way to handle a fuel crisis is to punch your fellow countrymen for a chance to fill your tank. Peak efficiency!
Archeologists unearthed the remains of a festival attendee from 221 AD, complete with a commemorative coin and reusable stone cup. Apparently, Rutger, 26, got lost after a quick trip to the porta-potty and never found his way back to the main stage.
Marielle's maiden voyage on a paddleboard was less 'graceful glide' and more 'exhausted flail,' covering a staggering 40 meters in two hours. Her arms now resemble Play-Doh, and walking back against the current seems like the more athletic option.
Dan Chambers takes 'wiping down equipment' to a whole new level, literally dismantling machines with his towel. While commendable in spirit, other gym-goers find it inconvenient to work out on mere 'equipment particulate.'
It's a hilarious biological mystery: children often resemble their parents, sharing the same looks, mannerisms, and even disproportionate facial features. Is it genetics, or do we just start morphing into our chaotic offspring?
In a scathing critique, Snoopy is called out for his excessive wealth and irresponsible use of housing. Apparently, sleeping on top of your perfectly good doghouse while people struggle for rent is 'grotesque,' Snoop.
Tired of accidentally supporting artists with questionable views? A new streaming app magically deducts funds directly from controversial musicians, ensuring your conscience remains as clean as your questionable playlists.
Prime Minister Mark Carney has assured Canadians that he will seriously address climate change, but only after he's finished solving every other issue on Earth. So, you know, sometime next Tuesday.
As the mercury rises, Canadian officials are tackling the heat dome with cutting-edge AI... by building more natural-gas-intensive data centers. Because nothing says 'climate solution' like burning more fossil fuels to calculate exactly how hot it's getting.
Chicago PD has issued a heartwarming public service announcement, assuring residents that the constant barrage of loud popping noises they've been hearing are, in fact, just gunshots. So, no need to worry about anything truly *unusual* happening.
America's 250th-anniversary celebration has been streamlined to a more manageable format: 24 consecutive hours of Lee Greenwood singing 'God Bless the U.S.A.' Apparently, true freedom is a constant, unchanging patriotic ballad.
Forget founding fathers; new research suggests the Declaration of Independence started life as Twilight fan fiction. Apparently, Jefferson battled over a werewolf-smut subplot, and Founding Fathers were fiercely divided on whether Edward Cullen deserved less BDSM King George.
In a deeply moving ceremony officiated by Barack Obama, the 13 original states renewed their vows with the Declaration of Independence on a beach. South Carolina reportedly threatened to leave the reception after seeing Pennsylvania canoodling with California.
The Onion's editorial board has bravely declared independence from all other countries, citing their general annoyance and weirdness. Finally, America can focus on its own greatness without being bothered by Botswana or Liechtenstein.
Apparently, our Founding Fathers have ascended to a higher plane of existence, specifically outer space, to wish America a happy birthday. From their celestial perch, they're showering us with love and pride, despite the fact that their current view likely includes a lot of questionable decisions and satellite debris.
Internet sensations have erupted over photos of Gerben the guinea pig without her usual makeup. Apparently, the sight of a natural rodent has sent shockwaves through the online community, prompting debates on beauty standards and whether Gerben's face could scare a truck off-road.
Just when Feyenoord thought they might have a fit squad for pre-season, star player Jordan Bos gracefully managed to get injured at the World Cup. Coach Van Bronckhorst is apparently thrilled, seeing it as a 'preview' of the usual Feyenoord experience, while Bos himself is eager for his Rotterdam rehabilitation.
As the US gears up for its 250th birthday, the age-old question arises: what gift to give a country that has everything, except perhaps a basic social safety net? Suggestions range from homemade items and wine to a collective hug or, you know, a functioning social system.
Former Spanish Prime Minister Zapatero apparently graced Taylor Swift's wedding with his presence and, in a move surely hailed as 'completely normal for an ex-president,' gifted her the entire contents of his safe. One can only imagine the glitter and political intrigue involved.
In a moment sure to be etched in sports history, Coach Andy Reid has honored the sacred tradition of the coach-tight end wedding dance. Witnesses report he and Travis Kelce swayed emotionally, culminating in a dip, though Kelce later screamed at Reid for missing a step – a true testament to their on-field chemistry.
Travis Kelce experienced a true matrimonial nightmare when he discovered the bride on his wedding cake had shrunk. His desperate pleas to the miniature Taylor Swift figurine were met with a blank stare, until the real Swift arrived to hilariously plunge a knife into the confectionary crisis.
In a momentous pre-wedding ceremony, Travis Kelce demonstrated his legendary coin-flipping skills, securing the right to initiate his vows. His future spouse apparently deferred to his athletic prowess.
An editorial writer admits to never having seen a human rights exhibit but firmly believes it's an atrocity. His main complaint? The important context of Palestinian suffering is something he'd rather not acknowledge.
British Columbia's premier has evolved his province's environmental policy, now graciously accepting pipelines as long as there's a fat paycheck involved. Protecting pristine forests apparently takes a backseat to fiscal prudence.
England's football team suspects the Cartel de Santa orchestrated a schedule change, rather than admitting their players forgot sunscreen. FIFA clarified the delay was due to a player's mom not letting him stay out late.
To 'acclimate' the English team, Mexico's band Maná will play before their match, perhaps hoping the lyrics to 'Hechicera' will confuse them. This musical 'ambiance' comes after a spat between their lead singer and Liam Gallagher.
An American tourist, bless his geographically challenged heart, has entered day three of his epic quest to escape a British roundabout. We're pretty sure he's just going in circles, much like his own understanding of traffic laws.
Forget STEM, the real growth industry in the UK is apparently felony. Crime has become the nation's most secure long-term career choice, offering excellent returns for those brave enough to sidestep the law.
Mexico's laundry services are in crisis mode, overwhelmed by a tidal wave of heavily-worn national team jerseys. Apparently, the team's performance is directly proportional to how long the fans can go without washing their lucky shirts.
Argentina is officially crying foul, claiming Portugal's victories are suspiciously penalty-laden. They're demanding FIFA review every match, or at least until Messi gets his own favorable calls.
In a shocking display of thermodynamic terrorism, a New York man lowered his apartment's thermostat to a positively frigid 77 degrees, resulting in thousands of reported deaths. Apparently, New Yorkers are built of pure, unadulterated sweat.
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