Page 10 of our collection of absurdities.
Argentina is officially crying foul, claiming Portugal's victories are suspiciously penalty-laden. They're demanding FIFA review every match, or at least until Messi gets his own favorable calls.
In a shocking display of thermodynamic terrorism, a New York man lowered his apartment's thermostat to a positively frigid 77 degrees, resulting in thousands of reported deaths. Apparently, New Yorkers are built of pure, unadulterated sweat.
Our favorite comedian, Carlos Ballarta, dropped by to read listener complaints and offer profound advice on everything from eating in Chicoloapan to speaking Minionese. His wisdom is almost as potent as his jokes.
In a groundbreaking bipartisan decision, America will allow President Biden to remain president for one day to hear him attempt the notoriously difficult word 'semiquincentennial.' It's the gift that keeps on giving... pronunciation headaches.
In a move that's surely going to spice things up, EasyToys is ditching real toys for QR codes. Apparently, 'eroticism is mostly between the ears,' so get ready to climax virtually, or perhaps just get a migraine trying to scan your way to bliss.
A man is reportedly torn between attending Taylor Swift's wedding and Ayatollah Khamenei's funeral, proving that some decisions are truly a matter of life, death, and fabulous music.
In a tale of parental confusion, one father recounts the harrowing experience of accidentally ending up with another family's baby after a brief trip to the restroom during his daughter's birth. Thankfully, he only realized the mix-up when he cut the wrong umbilical cord.
Prepare for a grueling 12 hours of torment as England plays at 1 AM, involving a pre-emptive roast dinner, strategic napping, questionable bedtime stories, and the inevitable existential dread that comes with betting on football.
As British mayors are set to receive 'powers beyond all imagining,' citizens have chimed in with rather specific requests, including driving rivals insane with rage and, crucially, picking the prettiest baby.
In a stroke of genius, France is equipping 5,000 AI agents with the finest human bureaucratic skills: rudeness, loud sighing, and abrupt hang-ups. The goal? To speed up employment by making users give up faster.
Europe has concocted a grand plan for digital sovereignty, a concept so profound it probably requires its own policy document and a committee meeting. Now they just have to, you know, actually execute it. Good luck with that, continental buddies!
Record heat got you sweating? The Onion's sage advice includes fitting yourself in the freezer, firing guns at the sun, or bulldozing a wall for a 'cross breeze.' Honestly, at this point, sacrificing an ox might be the most practical solution.
Our esteemed former president apparently raked in $1.2 billion from crypto, proving that when life gives you lemons, you diversify your grifts. Who knew 'digital sovereignty' was just a fancy term for a really, really good scam?
Forget drones, the Dutch Defense Ministry is unleashing highly trained, aggressive buzzards! Apparently, these feathered fiends are cost-effective, hate humans, and emit less CO2. Plus, who expects a surprise attack from a bird of prey?
In a move that baffled absolutely no one, Trump announced a 'conditional surrender' to Iran, which he insists isn't a surrender, but a 'tremendous deal from a position of strength.' Iran is reportedly considering it, mostly for the laughs and the 'ample bribe.'
Before conquering stadiums of frankfurters, Joey Chestnut was tragically rejected by his high school's varsity hot dog eating team for being 'too skinny.' Thankfully, he channeled his rage into competitive gluttony, proving that dreams really do come true, especially when they involve processed meat.
In a truly revolutionary act, Bertrane and Jean-Guillaume dared to break their routine by engaging in coitus on a Monday evening. This daring display of passion marks their first Monday rendezvous since 2019, proving that sometimes, the greatest adventure is just not watching TV.
In a stroke of genius, the French government has declared it acceptable for workers to wear briefs to the office, provided they are "well-cut." Apparently, a tie and loafers are still mandatory, because nothing says professionalism like a tailored thong.
A selfless hero plunged into the deep end of a pool to save a lethargic lifeguard from the brink of death by sheer ennui. Clearly, the lifeguard's life was in danger from the sheer existential dread of watching paint dry.
In a bold move against democracy, a political party proposes banning voting altogether to stop election fraud. Their logic? If no one votes, no one can cheat, especially not them.
Turns out, your favorite musicians have a colorful past involving blackface, spousal abuse, Nazi salutes, and songs about beating women. But hey, at least the tunes were catchy enough for us to forget they're terrible people.
After a night of allegedly exploring the 'deepest realms of unhygienic intimacy,' this couple is now discussing car maintenance and children's hobbies. Apparently, their wild night of depravity was so forgettable, they're treating each other like polite colleagues.
Two lovebirds decided to get engaged at the very top of the Empire State Building, proving that their commitment to each other is only matched by their commitment to giving onlookers severe vertigo. Apparently, the thought of raising children on a narrow ledge provides more existential dread than the height itself.
In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Donald Trump has apparently made a billion dollars in crypto and is now offering his sage advice. His foolproof plan involves launching your own coin, attracting the 'stupidest investors,' and roping in the family, because what's a financial scam without nepotism?
Well, it seems our dear American friends have finally noticed the millions of their citizens wandering around like aimless zombies, lacking healthcare and facing deportation. Apparently, the police are shocked by this 'unprecedented' neglect, as if it just popped into existence overnight.
Sony, ever the innovator, has decided your PlayStation controller is now a disposable luxury item. Apparently, owning hardware is so last century; now you're just renting the right to press buttons, and they'll happily revoke it the moment you blink.
According to fans, the English football team is so brilliant they'd absolutely dominate a five-a-side tournament, provided FIFA bends the rules *just so*. Because clearly, the entire World Cup needs a format change to accommodate a team that's apparently better suited for a local park pitch.
An Australian 'bleeding heart leftist' is utterly dejected after being allowed into the US without a hitch, lamenting that his Trump-bashing memes weren't spicy enough to warrant even a raised eyebrow. Clearly, he put more effort into his online rants than the immigration officials did into reading them.
Because who needs exercise when you can blame your sweat, the stars, or a lack of sassy athletic wear? Apparently, even ex-presidents and actors manage without hitting the gym, so why should you break a sweat?
Forget history, the Bayeux Tapestry's real claim to fame is its starring role in Shrek 3 and its heroic efforts to single-handedly prop up the entire textile industry. It's practically an ancient comic book, possibly linking to the MCU, and a great landmark for finding good museum cafes.
With gas prices soaring, a folk-punk band is now powering their van by foot, because apparently, their dog Henry Kissinger's Ghost isn't trained for sledding. Meanwhile, a Trump spokesperson suggests you just get better at walking, and an ancient oil baron offers wisdom about Ohio wells and racial cleansing.
To prove you're a true Guided By Voices aficionado, you must now name three DUI checkpoints in Western Ohio, not just band members or obscure song lyrics. Apparently, a real fan keeps an annotated map of Ohio's finest law enforcement traps, right next to a tallboy and a collage book.
Ken Paxton is reportedly crushing it in the polls among Texas's cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding, human skin-mask-wearing voters. Apparently, his opponent's talk of decency and veganism is a real turn-off for the folks who enjoy human meat barbeques and the prospect of another Dust Bowl.
For a mere $650,000, the Unitree GD01 personal mecha allows Baja's most discerning, and clearly unhinged, expatriates to finally realize their childhood dreams of stomping around like a discount Gundam. Just imagine the looks as you navigate the dirt roads of Todos Santos in a transforming robot that barely holds a pilot. What a statement.
The PettiChat real-time pet translator promises a '94.6% accuracy' rate in deciphering Fido's barks and Mittens' meows, allowing for two-way conversations. Because what every Todos Santos resident needs is a device to confirm their poodle is indeed demanding more organic, ethically sourced kibble. Expect a lot of 'I told you so's from your pets.
For those in Pescadero whose spiritual auras are as dusty as their off-road vehicles, the Selenite Charging Plate promises to magically 'cleanse and recharge' their other crystals. It’s the ultimate accessory for manifesting artisanal kombucha and warding off bad vibes from the local market. Just don't ask it to do anything practical.
Remember that brilliant Kickstarter for a 'Desktop Jellyfish Tank'? Apparently, it was designed so ingeniously that jellyfish routinely got sucked into the filtration, creating an expensive, fluorescent liquidator for tranquil ocean creatures. It’s a compelling metaphor for most tech startups, really.
Why bother with sunlight or actual gardening when a 'Smart Pet Planter Robot' can tell you how your Ficus feels with emojis? Perfect for the Todos Santos expat who wants a low-maintenance 'friend' but can't commit to a real one or remember to water a cactus. Now your houseplant can judge your life choices too.
In a shocking revelation, Mitch McConnell's heart has been found, proving he's not a lizard person after all. The GOP is reportedly considering an intervention for this rogue organ.
In a move that shocked absolutely no one with a pulse, the Supreme Court has decided to dash the hopes of transgender athletes. Because why let people play sports when we can focus on the *real* issues, like who gets to wear the prettiest leotard?
LeBron James, the NBA's resident philosopher-king, has apparently decided to dabble in badge-carrying and firearm ownership. The Lakers, bless their hearts, are as clueless as we are about how this happened. Perhaps he confused his Lakers jersey with a police uniform again?
Apparently, the heat was on for a London rape gang, but not in the way you'd expect. Cops busted them thanks to a tip about their illicit air conditioner, proving that even criminals can't stand a little discomfort.
Forget flying and super strength, Supergirl's latest ability is truly mind-blowing – she can hemorrhage $100 million faster than a leaky faucet! Perhaps Metropolis should invest in a financial advisor instead of a cape.
Forget game strategies, Mexico's football fans are Google-stalking England's hotel, desperately seeking the secret to their meat pie recipe. Apparently, the biggest question isn't how to win, but how to bake a better pie.
After a 'calm two beers' turned into a legendary all-nighter, revelers are waking up confused, asking for their wallets and if the world has ended. Apparently, 'celebrating' can lead to a collective amnesia by noon.
In a display of national unity and culinary urgency, Mexicans are reportedly orchestrating mass Uber Eats orders during Argentina's soccer games. The 'Operation Distant Empanada' aims to keep delivery drivers busy, presumably so they don't miss a crucial penalty kick.
Forget sneaking in, one determined fan tried to vault the fence at Monterrey's Fan Fest and ended up spectacularly stuck. Authorities had to deploy a crane, proving that sometimes, the only way in is literally up.
A dedicated fan, caught between baseball and soccer, exploded with joy for Mexico's goal mid-game, much to the chagrin of the players. Clearly, his allegiances are as strong as his multitasking skills are questionable.
In a landmark decision, the U.S. Supreme Court has apparently declared all global citizens American, placing the entire world under the benevolent rule of Donald Trump. World peace is now assured, presumably.
A radical Islamist terrorist is reportedly in an existential crisis, torn between blowing things up and debating policy. Perhaps he can do both? Imagine the filibuster, or the fundraising gala.
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