Page 7 of our collection of absurdities.
The Onion traces the illustrious history of boy bands, from King Philip IV's questionable humor to today's youth forgetting legends. Apparently, our collective memory is as fleeting as a pop star's hairstyle.
TJ Maxx, the temple of discounted home goods and questionable fashion, is expanding its empire to include meat. Get ready for treasure hunting where the 'treasure' might just be a slightly bruised banana pepper or some chicken past its prime.
As temperatures soar, Murcia is officially asking the government to share the heat more fairly. Because nothing says 'unity' like complaining that your neighbors are having a slightly cooler sweat.
Apparently bored with presidential duties, Donald Trump tried to influence the NRL, demanding a rerun of the State of Origin because he bet on the wrong team. In a twist only politics could conjure, the NRL denied any influence, then bafflingly awarded him the Man of the Series medal.
Dreaming of ditching Virgin Media? Prepare for a customer service odyssey designed to make you question your life choices and develop an intimate knowledge of George Ezra. It seems cancelling service requires more effort than negotiating world peace, and you'll likely end up upgrading your package just to escape.
In a stunning display of civic engagement, an Australian voter is dedicating his energy to ensuring Count Binface defeats Nigel Farage, while admitting he has no clue who his local Member of Parliament is. Apparently, political satire is far more important than actual representation.
Struggling to grasp the elusive 'establishment'? Reform UK's guide helpfully clarifies that it's basically anyone with a university degree, unsympathetic media, London, and, confusingly, anyone trying to become part of the establishment itself. Oh, and Count Binface is apparently a liberal sleeper agent.
After being indicted for pollution, Tata Steel ingeniously suggested the prosecutors join their sustainability team, as if a little greenwashing could solve their legal woes. Apparently, the best way to deal with being sued is to offer the plaintiffs a job in PR.
Convicted Marine Le Pen is championing a new line of 'Made in France' electronic ankle monitors, complete with a bronze rooster and the Marseillaise. She's apparently turning her legal troubles into a patriotic fashion statement, proving that even house arrest can be chic.
The public has bravely reaffirmed its unwavering trust in the Daily Mail's moral compass, especially after a court ruling declared them the nation's conscience. Apparently, believing the Mail could never do anything wrong was the correct stance all along, and Prince Harry is now reconsidering his UK visits.
Family urges a 93-year-old to soak up the sun, lest she miss out on valuable Vitamin D before her own expiration date. Apparently, hip fractures are just speed bumps on the road to a tan.
FIFA's top toad insists Argentina's controversial win over Egypt was a gift, not a political favor, and definitely not influenced by Javier Milei. He claims any perceived bias is just FIFA's own brilliant decision-making, not pressure from world leaders.
Academics are busy inventing new words to describe political extremes, because apparently 'ultra-right' is becoming as quaint as a rotary phone. Get ready for prefixes that will make your dictionary sweat.
Spain's leftists are pinning their hopes on a 40-year-old goalkeeper from Cape Verde, proving that in politics, sometimes you just need someone who can stop things from going in.
Turns out, people find corruption more palatable when it's done sneakily, not out in the open. We'd rather have a hidden betrayal than a public sham, because at least then we can pretend it's not happening.
Who needs actual human interaction when you can meticulously observe someone's matcha habits and dog ownership via Instagram Stories? It's far more efficient and requires significantly less actual effort.
Nigel Farage claims heroic valor in seeking re-election in a safe seat, while complaining about 'persecution' over donation rules and citing personal security fears from Led By Donkeys. He boldly suggests voters consider investing in gold and crypto after his likely victory.
Apparently, your questionable life choices have sealed your fate, so why not blast some Goatwhore instead of enduring church? This article suggests that Satanic thrash metal is a far more fitting soundtrack for your eternal damnation than anything God might play.
In a display of extreme concert enthusiasm, a death metal drummer accidentally launched his snare drum into the audience, instead of mere sticks. The incident left at least one fan needing medical attention and possibly the drummer with a strained back.
A self-proclaimed feminist bravely championed women's rights by asking his date for consent to cover his drinks, proving that true progress means letting women pay. His date praised his 'masculine' approach for allowing her to 'take the reins' on the bill.
In a stunning display of journalistic prescience, The Daily Squib reports having accurately foreseen that 'they' would inevitably come for Nigel Farage. Apparently, predicting the obvious is a major scoop.
A man was observed walking suspiciously far ahead of his girlfriend, sparking comparisons to the tragic myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. One can only assume he's avoiding a second glance back at his significant other.
These revolutionary under-desk treadmills offer the dual joys of monotonous work and grueling exercise. It's the perfect way to simultaneously bore your brain and exhaust your body, all while pretending to be productive.
In a shocking turn of events, someone dared to check the weather before an outdoor gathering. This radical act of preparedness has led to their immediate social ostracization and the dreaded title of 'party pooper.' Clearly, spontaneity and weather-related ruin are the only acceptable party vibes.
Local wife Allison Murphy has informed her husband that she'll be ready for date night in 45 minutes, with an added 'stoppage time' clause. Her husband is now nervously calculating if this means they'll actually arrive before the restaurant closes, or if it's just a prelude to extra innings.
This week's horoscope offers a truly unique cosmic prediction: Leo, a call from Donald Trump could miraculously erase that pesky speeding ticket. Meanwhile, Aries is advised to pay taxes as enthusiastically as they shout football goals, and Taurus is close to a tattoo. Oh, and Geminis, we secretly hate you.
In a stunning display of American exceptionalism, a local baseball fan has enlightened us all by declaring soccer 'slow, low-scoring, and boring.' As if America's own World Cup struggles weren't enough, we now have this profound analysis to ponder.
Following a crushing defeat, Mexico's football federation has formally requested FIFA to handpick weaker opponents like Jordan and Cape Verde for the next World Cup. Apparently, facing actual competition is just too much suffering for their delicate national pride.
While economists fret, the 'fayuqueros' (black marketeers) are popping champagne corks over the end of the Free Trade Agreement. They're eagerly anticipating a return to their glory days of smuggling dubious electronics and questionable snacks, promising massive discounts for those who don't ask too many questions.
In a truly groundbreaking display of sportsmanship, a WNBA player has been suspended for the shocking offense of *not* trying to assault Caitlin Clark during a game. Apparently, the league's code of conduct now mandates aggressive play, or at least the *attempt* thereof.
Apparently, Donald Trump believes NATO allies should have defended him from Belgium. He's also upset Spain and Italy won't let him use their defenders. One has to wonder if Belgium even knows what's happening.
In a stunning display of Pan-Latin camaraderie, Ecuadorians took to the streets waving English flags to celebrate Mexico's World Cup elimination. Apparently, the only thing that unites Latin America is a shared disdain for Mexico's football performance.
Brazil's national team, desperate to break a supposed 'feline karma curse,' has decided to apologize to the cat that interrupted their press conference. They're even planning a ceremony with premium milk and a red carpet, because clearly, that's the missing piece in their football strategy.
Following England's exit from the World Cup and their departure from Mexico, archaeologists at Teotihuacan reported a mysterious shortage of stones. It seems some English fans took the phrase 'take a stone as a souvenir' a bit too literally.
A local Nazi's promising political career has been unfortunately derailed by rape allegations. Apparently, even aspiring despots can't escape the long arm of the law... or basic human decency.
After surviving one grueling week of Vacation Bible School, two children have been 'sentenced' by their parents to another week at a different VBS. One can only imagine the trauma and the elaborate escape plans being hatched.
Senator Mitch McConnell's staff has issued a bold statement: his death will not impede his ability to complete his term. This commitment to public service is truly inspiring, proving that some politicians are truly undead.
In a stunning display of entrepreneurial spirit, President Trump has reportedly peddled nearly $1.4 billion worth of Tupperware to his contacts, transforming White House meetings into impromptu sales pitches. Apparently, leveraging international relations for food storage solutions is the new foreign policy.
France 2 is recruiting Paraguay's national team for Fort Boyard, trading creepy crawlies for 'roublardise and cowardice.' Apparently, the producer found their World Cup performance so charmingly devious, they decided to lock them up with contestants.
Forget emotional intelligence; a new study suggests the ultimate dating requirement is a foot-long beard, a Stetson, and the ability to shred 'La Grange.' Apparently, many women are just looking for a partner who comes with a vintage Ford hot rod and a fuzzy guitar.
Critics are showering the latest Minions installment with praise, calling it a profound 'love letter to Minions.' Apparently, the film's genius lies in its ability to showcase hundreds of Minions doing Minion-like things, a truly revolutionary concept.
Ever wondered what culinary delights define the American experience? Apparently, it's a delightful smorgasbord of ultra-processed foods, fast food, and the pièce de résistance: canned chicken. Bon appétit, you magnificent patriots!
Nigel Farage has bravely resigned to fight for the establishment... and to finally visit Clacton, a place he hasn't seen since 2024. He's hoping to reconnect with locals, perhaps over a pint, while reminiscing about the big money he's missing in America.
In a bold move for American soccer supremacy, President Trump has single-handedly secured the U.S. a spot back in the World Cup by deporting the entire Belgian team. Apparently, international diplomacy now involves a U-Haul and a border patrol agent.
Pierre Poilievre is ready to lead the charge against 'woke culture,' sporting a dazzling new galactic disco cowboy ensemble. Apparently, fighting perceived societal ills requires a sequined hat and questionable dance moves.
In a move that's sure to crumple breakfast menus nationwide, Trump has slapped a 100% tariff on waffles. Apparently, diplomatic relations are now measured in syrup and waffle iron casualties.
Amidst geopolitical tensions, Rutte frantically attempts to shield President Trump from the shocking revelation that Brussels is, in fact, a country. Trump, meanwhile, is hunting for the Belgian delegation to discuss their alleged corruption.
As wildfires rage, a French campsite bravely soldiers on by hosting a 'Miss Dry T-Shirt' contest, proving that some traditions are too important to be consumed by flames. The winner even gets a fondue pot, because priorities.
In a display of unparalleled selflessness, a Tour de France rider, dubbed a 'super-domestique,' bravely retrieves fire blankets for his entire team. It's unclear if the team was actually on fire, but hey, at least they're prepared for spontaneous combustion.
FIFA, in a stunning twist only possible in a Trump-influenced universe, has retroactively voided a soccer match because a player shouldn't have played. Apparently, the beautiful game is now subject to presidential tweets and player eligibility loopholes.
The Pesky Toad is free and ad-light. If you find it useful, toss a few pesos in the tip jar to help keep the servers running and the satire flowing.
