Page 1 of our collection of absurdities.
Sources confirm Senator Mitch McConnell is, indeed, in a hospital bed, or at least a suspiciously well-lit hospital bed. His wife is there too, which either proves he's alive or that she's an excellent actress.
The dearly departed Senator Graham, it seems, had one last, burning desire: to see Azerbaijan turned to ash. His will meticulously outlines a scorched-earth campaign, proving that even in death, some politicians just want to start trouble.
In a heartwarming display of civic duty, first responders received accolades for their *perfectly* timed arrival, managing to be thoroughly useless in saving Senator Graham. Truly, a masterclass in futility.
Police, facing a chaotic 'teen takeover,' deployed their most potent weapon: the dreaded job application. Turns out, the allure of gainful employment is more terrifying to rebellious youth than any riot gear.
In a touching, albeit slightly terrifying, guest obituary, the T-Rex from Jurassic Park mourns his co-star Sam Neill. Apparently, Neill's talent was as immense as the T-Rex's appetite, with the dinosaur recalling a time he almost ate Spielberg's suggestions for better shaking cups.
Megyn Kelly, in a display of selective memory worthy of a goldfish, has declared she has absolutely no clue who Candace Owens is. Apparently, the only news Kelly consumes is from sources that don't involve anyone named Owens or anything that might cause a slight tremor of journalistic responsibility.
The world is on the edge of its seat, or perhaps just stocking up on popcorn, for the much-anticipated documentary detailing Argentina's supposed World Cup 'frauds'. Apparently, it's going to be a multi-season series because, let's face it, the 'evidence' is as vast as a politician's promises.
Apparently, FIFA is so impressed with Atlético San Pancho's 'heart' and 'representation of San Vicente' that they've decided to hand them the World Cup. It seems the new rulebook states that enough street-kicking children can practically guarantee a championship, along with 'convenient' VAR, 'easy' rivals, and 'intimidated' referees. Honestly, who needs talent when you have 'loopholes'?
Quentin Tarantino has discovered his muse in England's coach, Thomas Tuchel, apparently because his hand gestures perfectly convey the urgent need for more beer and the check. Forget dialogue; in Tarantino's world, a well-timed 'three' gesture is all the acting you need to get the tab.
The UN is considering Norway for Latin American membership because Mexicans have apparently adopted them, complete with songs and nicknames. Forget geography; if you can get a Mexican fan to chant your name, you're basically a neighbor. Now, if only they can teach the Nobel Peace Prize committee to say 'chinga tu madre' in Norwegian.
Norwegian Air bravely bet their Instagram logo against British Airways, and predictably, lost. Now they're sporting the British Airways logo with 'It's coming home!' added, proving that sometimes, dignity is just a poorly judged wager away. At least they're taking it well, unlike some folks we know.
Health officials are issuing a grave warning: over 450,000 people are tragically lost to the existential void within their own hoodies each year. Apparently, the most dangerous fashion accessory is also the most formidable labyrinth, proving that sometimes, the greatest threats are indeed self-inflicted.
Ancient Mexica vibes met modern studio sounds as 'Los Cogelones' unleashed their rolas, proving that ancestral wisdom pairs perfectly with a good temazcal session. Their new album 'Bailar' is here, so get ready to dance like your ancestors did, or at least like you've been in a temazcal.
In a stunning display of love and peace, the 'Party of Tolerance' organized parades across the nation to jubilantly mark the demise of their political adversary. Because nothing screams 'tolerance' like a parade celebrating someone's end, right?
Mark Carney proudly announced the opening of the TrumpCoin International Bridge, a decade-long dream finally realized, apparently sponsored by Trumpstore.com. Canadians can now cross this monument to free enterprise, probably to buy more hats.
Apparently, Spain decided Gibraltar was just a particularly fancy, albeit rocky, Spanish province. Visitors now get the full 'Welcome to Spain!' treatment, minus the actual Spanish border control, which is just… convenient.
Because struggling with Allen wrenches and cryptic diagrams wasn't frustrating enough, IKEA now offers Swedish expletives with your flat-pack furniture. Finally, a way to truly express yourself while building a BILLY bookcase.
In a move that has absolutely nobody surprised, Trump has declared a blockade of the Strait of Hormuz in honor of Lindsey Graham. It's a bold strategy, like naming a bridge after a person who's still alive and occasionally talks.
Apparently, Lionel Messi is utterly fed up with referees making poor calls, which is quite the predicament for a professional athlete who relies on their calls. One might wonder if he's considered the simple solution of, you know, not playing.
Great news, aspiring Canadian homeowners! Real estate prices have nosedived back to 2018 levels, a time when buying a home was already a hilarious fantasy. So, basically, it's never been a better time to... dream.
Turns out those unwelcome guests, hemorrhoids, might just be your body's way of staging a protest. They're like little vascular uprisings reminding you to ease up on the toilet acrobatics. Apparently, all that pressure is making your bum parts scream for attention, and frankly, who can blame them?
In a bold move to prepare future doctors for the harsh realities of healthcare, a medical center is introducing a 'burnout' clerkship. Students will learn vital skills like 'singleness to meaning' and 'how to maintain unmotivated performance.' Because, as we all know, the best way to fix a strained healthcare system is to teach doctors how to work while perpetually overstressed.
In a stroke of genius, a French minister suggests wrapping the entire south of France in aluminum foil to beat the heat. Apparently, this will trap in dry heat, while giant fans will blow cool air. Because nothing says 'climate solution' like turning a country into a giant baked potato.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly sought godhood by baring his perineum atop a solar tower, believing the sun's rays would grant him immortality. He seems confident his new eternal life will provide ample time to recover from the rather significant burns sustained. Priorities, you know.
In a move that surprised absolutely no one, America's alcoholics held a press conference to reveal all the 'acceptable' places to drink. Apparently, anywhere a cop isn't looking, or possibly a butterfly sanctuary, is fair game. Who knew sobriety was so judgmental?
The post 'Why Do We Have A Meeting With HR?' leaves us pondering the profound existential questions of the workplace. Is it for disciplinary action, performance reviews, or perhaps a secret ritual to appease the office gods? The world may never know.
Because it's apparently too hot to relax, the Tour de France has lopped three hours off its rest day. Cyclists now get a more efficient, 21-hour siesta before pedaling through 40-degree Celsius heat. Because who needs proper rest when you can just choose which three hours to skip?
The Dutch intelligence service (AIVD), apparently possessing a direct line to Putin's mood swings, has convinced the Baltic states that Russia is definitely not planning an invasion. Apparently, a source within the Kremlin confirmed it's all just for show, so everyone can sleep soundly... or not, depending on your Dutch intel subscription.
Due to the soaring price of jet fuel, France's Bastille Day air show will be replaced by a synchronized cycling performance on rental bikes. The 'Patrouille de France' will now perform stunts on Vélib's, complete with rooster helmets and smoke bombs. Vive la révolution, on two wheels!
In a move that surprised absolutely no one who understands the concept of retirement, General Donahue declared he quit the Army, just hours after being reportedly fired. He then apparently celebrated his newfound freedom by communing with 'freedom' and what witnesses described as a very important joint.
Adam Silver bravely admits his unsettling, translucent, beady-eyed visage might be why people aren't watching the NBA anymore. He believes his 'spiderlike physique' is scaring off viewers, which is a valid concern if your goal is to look less like a crypt keeper and more like someone who enjoys basketball.
The FDA has concluded that the arsenic and lead found in tampons aren't harmful, because they're not released *enough* during use. It's like finding a tiny bit of poison in your water – just a little flavor!
A new BBC documentary, "The Tech Billionaire Takeover," is reportedly dissecting the ambitious visions of crypto billionaires, highlighting their desires to replace traditional banking and government with blockchain-based systems. The film explores how these tech magnates are pushing for "decentralized" structures, even attempting to establish their own micronations, all while the folks down here in Baja are mostly concerned with whether the morning's fishing trip was fruitful.
Well, another day, another billionaire admitting his grand visions aren't quite panning out as planned. Mark Zuckerberg, in a recent internal meeting, reportedly confessed that Meta's massive AI agent development efforts haven't 'accelerated in the way that we expected,' despite laying off thousands and pouring billions into the endeavor. Meanwhile, the surf in Todos Santos is absolutely firing, and frankly, nobody down here cares about Silicon Valley's self-inflicted drama.
Why settle for a mere SUV when you can navigate the potholes of Baja in Unitree's GD01 manned mecha suit? This $650,000 transforming robot promises industrial operations, rescue, or just making a dramatic entrance to your private cenote. Forget four-wheel drive; now you can have four-legged crawl mode, because why not?
The PettiChat collar, a $118 AI pet translator, claims a miraculous 94.6% accuracy in deciphering your pet's deepest thoughts and translating your mundane commands into their 'instinctive sounds'. Never again will you wonder if your chihuahua is judging your life choices, or if that bark meant 'walkies' or 'the void stares back.' The Todos Santos dog whisperers are lining up to confirm what they already knew.
Behold, the GE Profile Opal 2.0 nugget ice maker, a $449 marvel that ensures your margaritas are perfectly chilled via Wi-Fi. Who needs to remember ice when your smart home can schedule its production? The expats in Todos Santos are already debating its artisanal authenticity over their third poolside paloma.
Tired of kale? For a mere pittance on Etsy, you too can achieve your 'dream body' with a 'Same Day Casting' weight loss spell. Forget exercise; simply manifest rapid fat burning and boost your confidence, all while enjoying another artisanal taco. The Pescadero wellness gurus swear by it, claiming it aligns their chakras *and* their waistlines.
For those yearning for a deeper bond with their feline overlords, the LICKI Brush allows you to mimic a mother cat's grooming, by holding a silicone tongue-brush in your mouth. This Kickstarter marvel promises mutual licking intimacy, proving that humanity's innovation knows no bounds when it comes to anthropomorphizing pets, or just being profoundly weird. Perfect for the Todos Santos cat person who talks about their rescue as their 'soulmate'.
Having braved a few weeks of actual sunshine, the good people of Britain have collectively decided they've had enough and are now lobbying for NASA to permanently ditch the sun. Apparently, the horror of sweating and Asda running out of ice lollies outweighs the minor inconvenience of global extinction.
British police have launched a murder investigation after former politician and reality TV star Ann Widdecombe was found dead with serious injuries. A 28-year-old man has been arrested in connection with the case, sparking whispers about the peculiar circumstances surrounding her demise. Out here, the waves just keep rolling in, oblivious to such polite British unpleasantries.
Austin, Texas, is buzzing after a deluge of UFO sightings over the past 48 hours, with residents reporting bizarre aerial phenomena that defy earthly explanations. From erratic maneuvers to glowing lights, it seems the extraterrestrials are finally making their move on the Live Music Capital. Personally, we're just impressed they found parking, but also, the surf is epic right now.
Celebrity makeup artist Alfonso Waithsman has bravely 'exhibited' Mexican media personality Laura Bozzo, publicly labeling her as 'very unpleasant' alongside another unnamed actress. The bold declaration has set the chismoso corners of the internet ablaze, proving that in Mexico, a good scandal is always en vogue. Good thing the Pacific is roaring; wouldn't want to miss a barrel for this petty drama.
In a recurring saga of tone-deaf tourism, recent online discussions and videos from April 2026 highlight expats and visitors once again complaining about the sheer volume of traditional Mexican music. Apparently, mariachi bands in places like Plaza Garibaldi are just *too* authentic for some. It's almost as if they forgot they bought a ticket to Mexico, not a library.
Global financial powers are reportedly quite distressed over spiking bond yields and G-7 sovereign debt instability. Most expats, however, find their investment portfolio heavily weighted in 'beachfront property with questionable permits' and 'good vibes.' The stock market is for suckers who aren't within walking distance of the ocean.
Reports of escalating tensions in the Middle East and surging oil prices sent global markets reeling. Here in Baja, residents are more concerned about the next set of waves rolling into Cerritos. As long as the generators run and the Cerveza Pacífico remains cheap, global geopolitics remain firmly on the 'don't care' list.
European central bankers are wringing their hands over persistent inflation and potential rate hikes, declaring the battle 'back to square one.' Down here, the only thing 'hiking' is the path to a secluded surf spot. Our biggest financial concern is whether the street taco vendors will raise prices, which, let's be honest, they probably deserve to.
Feral robots, preparing for the inaugural International Robot Surfing Championships in Cerritos, are reportedly siphoning power from local backup generators. Residents are now forced to choose between essential avocado toast makers and the robots' pursuit of wave-riding glory.
In a bold move, Oxxo has unveiled plans for a massive tortilla giga-factory in Todos Santos, prompting outrage from local tortilleros. Critics fear the factory's output will only serve to further Oxxo's questionable hot dog empire.
Following advancements in psychedelic plant engineering, local AI reports a Pescadero juice bar is offering 'enhanced' smoothies featuring microdoses of amphibian secretions. Patrons are reportedly experiencing profound spiritual awakenings, or at least a renewed appreciation for their yoga mats.
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