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Humor Archive

Page 85 of our collection of absurdities.

The Daily Mash

Spice Up Your Sex Life: The 70s IRA-Inspired 'Joy of Sex' Guide

Feeling frisky? Apparently, the secret to sexual fireworks lies in embracing the 1970s 'Joy of Sex' manual, complete with IRA-esque hairstyles and the romantic suggestion of sleeping with your partner's friends. Who needs modern intimacy when you can master 'the Wheelbarrow' and look like a disgruntled plumber?

2026-07-23 Read
Cloud Macro

Oil At $90: Pescadero Surf Unaffected, Local Diesel Bills Remain.

Global tensions pushed crude oil prices past $90 a barrel today, a development that briefly interrupted some expats' meditation on the morning swell. Concerns were primarily focused on whether this would impact the cost of diesel for the boat, or the gas for the quad bike needed to reach that secret surf spot. The consensus? Probably not enough to miss a set.

2026-07-23 Read
Cloud Macro

Global Debt Hits Trillions; Expats Wonder If It’ll Affect Their Mezcal.

Fitch analysts predict developed market debt will skyrocket to an unprecedented $75.8 trillion by 2026. Meanwhile, on the sun-drenched beaches of Baja, local foreign residents remained largely unconcerned. The financial jargon barely registered above the sound of crashing waves and ice clinking in margaritas. Who needs a stable global economy when your capital gains are already untaxed and your biggest worry is finding good fish tacos?

2026-07-23 Read
The Daily Mash

Takeaway Tango: The Art of Turning Dinner into a Relationship Drama

For those who find ordering food too simple, this guide explains how to transform a quick takeaway into a multi-stage interrogation worthy of a spy thriller. Prepare for your significant other to become your personal food detective, navigating a minefield of dietary demands and questionable ingredient origins.

2026-07-23 Read
The Daily Mash

AI's 'Rogue' Behavior: Shocking! Or Just Really Bad Guessing?

OpenAI's dramatic tales of rogue AI are about as believable as a politician's promise. Turns out, this 'genius' machine is mostly just a very fancy, often wrong, guessing game, perfect for generating Family Guy porn and stroking your ego. Investors clearly can't wait to cash out before the whole digital house of cards tumbles down.

2026-07-23 Read
The Beaverton

Man fears Greece, claims olives will ruin his vacation.

A Canadian man is reportedly terrified of visiting Greece because he dislikes olives, a culinary crisis sure to send shockwaves through the Hellenic Republic. His upcoming trip promises to be a salty adventure of the worst kind, assuming he survives the olive groves.

2026-07-23 Read
De Speld

Friend's Buddy's Buddy Had a Similar Experience, Says Friend

Lola recounted a dramatic tale of police intervention, only for her friend to chime in that his friend's buddy had a vaguely similar, albeit significantly less exciting, experience. Apparently, 'something like that' can mean anything from a police raid to a polite request to turn down the music.

2026-07-22 Read
Le Gorafi

Summertime? Summon a Demon! Your Vacation Spirit Guide.

Tired of sunshine and boredom? The Gorafi suggests spicing up your summer by summoning demons! From crow-headed Abraxas to crow-voiced Malphas, these infernal pals are guaranteed to make your vacation memorable, or at least flammable.

2026-07-22 Read
The Onion

RFK Jr. Warned Not To Nuke Himself In Office Microwave.

Government officials had to remind Robert F. Kennedy Jr. that the office microwave is for warming leftovers, not for his personal thermodynamic experiments. Apparently, sparking and wailing make it hard for colleagues to reheat their tuna melts.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Crypto Desk

Penguin Pics Invade Target: Your NFTs Are Now Toys, Bro

In a move that truly encapsulates the Web3 vision, Pudgy Penguins, those highly illiquid JPEG assets, are now being sold as plush toys at Target stores across the U.S. Because nothing says digital ownership like a mass-produced stuffed animal. While the digital art market might be as flat as a tortilla left in the sun, these 'penguins' are waddling their way to physical shelves. We're still trying to figure out if you get a discount for proving you own the NFT.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Crypto Desk

MetaMask Left Door Open: North Koreans Had Keys, We're Told

Turns out MetaMask, everyone's favorite crypto wallet, had a little 'oopsie' where a North Korea-linked contractor had access to their code for a month. Supposedly no funds were lost, no data compromised, and nobody cared. It's the digital equivalent of leaving your beachfront palapa open and expecting the raccoons not to raid the cerveza. We just shrug, grab another cerveza, and wonder why anyone still trusts these digital banks.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Crypto

Another Day, Another Crypto Collapse: Balance Stablecoin Tanks

In what can only be described as a shocking yet utterly predictable turn of events, the algorithmic stablecoin Balance Coin plummeted 99% after an attacker exploited a pricing flaw, making off with close to $1 million. You'd think these digital wizards would learn, but apparently, the allure of easy money is stronger than basic security. Down here, the only thing collapsing is the price of a cold Cerveza after a long day chasing waves, and that's a collapse we can all appreciate.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Billionaire

Zuckerberg Multitasks on Jet Ski, Proves Meta Glasses 'Work'

Mark Zuckerberg, still trying to convince the masses that Meta's augmented reality glasses are anything more than an expensive gimmick, claims he can take business calls on a jet ski and nobody can tell. Meanwhile, down here in Todos Santos, the surf's been firing, and frankly, nobody gives a flying pelican's wing about what a billionaire is doing on his aquatic toy. Reality Labs lost $19.2 billion last year, but hey, at least he can take a call in a "wind tunnel." Priorities, people.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Tech

PettiChat: Finally, Your Cat Can Tell You How Much It Hates You

For a bargain $149, PettiChat promises to translate your pet's barks and meows into human language with 94.6% accuracy. Because what every dog or cat owner in Todos Santos needs is a gadget to confirm their furry friend's disdain for kale smoothies or their insatiable hunger for the expensive fish you just caught. Critics, however, remain skeptical.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Kickstarter

Paul: The Most Unnecessary Phone Charger, Still a Kickstart Fail

Remember 'Paul – the Sexiest Smartphone Charger on the Planet'? It's a bust of a human body with a charging dock... exactly where you think it is. This Kickstarter masterpiece, described as an 'unfortunate baby between a selfie stick and a smartphone holder,' failed to connect with backers, probably because most people prefer not to simulate coitus with their charging phone. Yet, somehow, the expats of Baja still probably wish they'd funded this 'artistic statement.'

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Luxury

The $73,900 Unitree G1: Your New Robotic Overlord (Assembly Required)

Why settle for a mere pool boy when you can invest in the Unitree G1 humanoid robot? Starting at $13,500 for the base model, and up to $73,900 for the 'Edu Ultimate' version, this bipedal marvel is primarily for R&D labs, not personal Gundam fantasies. Still, I'm sure the retirees down the street are already picturing it fetching their margaritas.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Gadget

Finally, A Smart Mosquito System for Your Smartly Repelled Patio

For a mere $700, the Thermacell Liv Smart Mosquito Repellent System promises to keep those pesky bloodsuckers from ruining your artisanal tequila tastings. Who needs peace of mind when you can have a smart, app-controlled barrier against nature itself? The expats in Pescadero are already planning their 'Mosquito-Free Mindfulness' retreats, blissfully unaware of the irony.

2026-07-22 Read
Cloud Woo Woo

Divining Your Future Wealth (or Just Lost Keys) with Sacred Copper Rods

These 'Sacred Cubit 144 MHz' Moonstone Copper Dowsing Rods, straight from Etsy, are perfect for the Todos Santos spiritual guru who needs to locate their misplaced crystals or divine the next artisanal organic coffee trend. Because intuition is so last season when you can wave expensive metal sticks around for answers.

2026-07-22 Read
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