The Daily Mash

Reform UK Explains 'The Establishment': It's Anyone Who Disagrees With Us

Struggling to grasp the elusive 'establishment'? Reform UK's guide helpfully clarifies that it's basically anyone with a university degree, unsympathetic media, London, and, confusingly, anyone trying to become part of the establishment itself. Oh, and Count Binface is apparently a liberal sleeper agent.

2026-07-08 Read

De Speld

Tata Steel Invites Prosecutors to Join Their Sustainability Department

After being indicted for pollution, Tata Steel ingeniously suggested the prosecutors join their sustainability team, as if a little greenwashing could solve their legal woes. Apparently, the best way to deal with being sued is to offer the plaintiffs a job in PR.

2026-07-08 Read

Le Gorafi

Marine Le Pen Promises French-Made Electronic Ankle Monitor, Calls it 'Heritage'

Convicted Marine Le Pen is championing a new line of 'Made in France' electronic ankle monitors, complete with a bronze rooster and the Marseillaise. She's apparently turning her legal troubles into a patriotic fashion statement, proving that even house arrest can be chic.

2026-07-08 Read

The Daily Mash

Public's Faith in Daily Mail's Morality Vindicated by Court Ruling

The public has bravely reaffirmed its unwavering trust in the Daily Mail's moral compass, especially after a court ruling declared them the nation's conscience. Apparently, believing the Mail could never do anything wrong was the correct stance all along, and Prince Harry is now reconsidering his UK visits.

2026-07-08 Read

The Daily Mash

93-Year-Old Encouraged to 'Enjoy the Heatwave' Before She Enjoys the Next Life.

Family urges a 93-year-old to soak up the sun, lest she miss out on valuable Vitamin D before her own expiration date. Apparently, hip fractures are just speed bumps on the road to a tan.

2026-07-08 Read

De Speld

FIFA Prez Denies Political Meddling: 'Argentina-Egypt was FREE, Milei didn't even call!'

FIFA's top toad insists Argentina's controversial win over Egypt was a gift, not a political favor, and definitely not influenced by Javier Milei. He claims any perceived bias is just FIFA's own brilliant decision-making, not pressure from world leaders.

2026-07-08 Read

El Mundo Today

Linguists Prepare New Prefixes for When 'Ultra-Right' Isn't Extreme Enough.

Academics are busy inventing new words to describe political extremes, because apparently 'ultra-right' is becoming as quaint as a rotary phone. Get ready for prefixes that will make your dictionary sweat.

2026-07-08 Read

El Mundo Today

Cape Verde's Goalkeeper is Spain's Left-Wing Hope, Because Apparently Talent is Political.

Spain's leftists are pinning their hopes on a 40-year-old goalkeeper from Cape Verde, proving that in politics, sometimes you just need someone who can stop things from going in.

2026-07-08 Read

De Speld

Secret Corruption is Better Than Open Corruption, Apparently We Prefer Lies.

Turns out, people find corruption more palatable when it's done sneakily, not out in the open. We'd rather have a hidden betrayal than a public sham, because at least then we can pretend it's not happening.

2026-07-08 Read

De Speld

Why Talk to Strangers When You Can Stalk Their Instagram Stories Instead?

Who needs actual human interaction when you can meticulously observe someone's matcha habits and dog ownership via Instagram Stories? It's far more efficient and requires significantly less actual effort.

2026-07-08 Read

The Daily Mash

Farage bravely seeks re-election, fearing only the 96.1% white, 65+ demographic of Clacton.

Nigel Farage claims heroic valor in seeking re-election in a safe seat, while complaining about 'persecution' over donation rules and citing personal security fears from Led By Donkeys. He boldly suggests voters consider investing in gold and crypto after his likely victory.

2026-07-08 Read

The Hard Times

Forget Heaven! Goatwhore Songs for Those Already Damned (or Just Bored on Sundays).

Apparently, your questionable life choices have sealed your fate, so why not blast some Goatwhore instead of enduring church? This article suggests that Satanic thrash metal is a far more fitting soundtrack for your eternal damnation than anything God might play.

2026-07-08 Read

The Hard Times

Death Metal Drummer Throws Snare Drum, Not Sticks, Injuring Fan and Back.

In a display of extreme concert enthusiasm, a death metal drummer accidentally launched his snare drum into the audience, instead of mere sticks. The incident left at least one fan needing medical attention and possibly the drummer with a strained back.

2026-07-08 Read

The Hard Times

Feminist Man Asks Date for Consent to Pay for His Six Whiskey Cokes.

A self-proclaimed feminist bravely championed women's rights by asking his date for consent to cover his drinks, proving that true progress means letting women pay. His date praised his 'masculine' approach for allowing her to 'take the reins' on the bill.

2026-07-08 Read

Daily Squib

Daily Squib Accurately Predicted 'They' Would Target Farage. Shocking.

In a stunning display of journalistic prescience, The Daily Squib reports having accurately foreseen that 'they' would inevitably come for Nigel Farage. Apparently, predicting the obvious is a major scoop.

2026-07-08 Read

Reductress

Man Walks Ahead of Girlfriend, Echoing Orpheus' Tragic Mistake (Probably).

A man was observed walking suspiciously far ahead of his girlfriend, sparking comparisons to the tragic myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. One can only assume he's avoiding a second glance back at his significant other.

2026-07-08 Read

Reductress

Under-Desk Treadmills: The Ultimate Workplace Torture Combo.

These revolutionary under-desk treadmills offer the dual joys of monotonous work and grueling exercise. It's the perfect way to simultaneously bore your brain and exhaust your body, all while pretending to be productive.

2026-07-08 Read

Reductress

Outdoor event attendee consults meteorology, immediately branded party pooper.

In a shocking turn of events, someone dared to check the weather before an outdoor gathering. This radical act of preparedness has led to their immediate social ostracization and the dreaded title of 'party pooper.' Clearly, spontaneity and weather-related ruin are the only acceptable party vibes.

2026-07-08 Read

Babylon Bee

Wife's '45 minutes' ready time includes 'stoppage time,' husband fears overtime.

Local wife Allison Murphy has informed her husband that she'll be ready for date night in 45 minutes, with an added 'stoppage time' clause. Her husband is now nervously calculating if this means they'll actually arrive before the restaurant closes, or if it's just a prelude to extra innings.

2026-07-07 Read

El Mundo Today

Weekly horoscope: Leo, Trump's call might save you from that speeding ticket.

This week's horoscope offers a truly unique cosmic prediction: Leo, a call from Donald Trump could miraculously erase that pesky speeding ticket. Meanwhile, Aries is advised to pay taxes as enthusiastically as they shout football goals, and Taurus is close to a tattoo. Oh, and Geminis, we secretly hate you.

2026-07-07 Read

Babylon Bee

Baseball fan declares soccer 'boring,' America's World Cup dreams are irrelevant.

In a stunning display of American exceptionalism, a local baseball fan has enlightened us all by declaring soccer 'slow, low-scoring, and boring.' As if America's own World Cup struggles weren't enough, we now have this profound analysis to ponder.

2026-07-07 Read

El Deforma

Mexico's Football Federation wants World Cup opponents from the bargain bin.

Following a crushing defeat, Mexico's football federation has formally requested FIFA to handpick weaker opponents like Jordan and Cape Verde for the next World Cup. Apparently, facing actual competition is just too much suffering for their delicate national pride.

2026-07-07 Read

El Deforma

Black marketeers rejoice as trade deal collapses; parabolas and smuggled goods inbound.

While economists fret, the 'fayuqueros' (black marketeers) are popping champagne corks over the end of the Free Trade Agreement. They're eagerly anticipating a return to their glory days of smuggling dubious electronics and questionable snacks, promising massive discounts for those who don't ask too many questions.

2026-07-07 Read

Babylon Bee

WNBA player suspended for 'failing' to assault Caitlin Clark.

In a truly groundbreaking display of sportsmanship, a WNBA player has been suspended for the shocking offense of *not* trying to assault Caitlin Clark during a game. Apparently, the league's code of conduct now mandates aggressive play, or at least the *attempt* thereof.

2026-07-07 Read

De Speld

Trump demands NATO defend him against Belgium, calls it a loyalty issue.

Apparently, Donald Trump believes NATO allies should have defended him from Belgium. He's also upset Spain and Italy won't let him use their defenders. One has to wonder if Belgium even knows what's happening.

2026-07-07 Read

El Deforma

Ecuadorians Celebrate Mexico's World Cup Exit, Embrace England with Open Arms (and Flags).

In a stunning display of Pan-Latin camaraderie, Ecuadorians took to the streets waving English flags to celebrate Mexico's World Cup elimination. Apparently, the only thing that unites Latin America is a shared disdain for Mexico's football performance.

2026-07-07 Read

El Deforma

Brazil's National Team Apologizes to Cat for World Cup Curse.

Brazil's national team, desperate to break a supposed 'feline karma curse,' has decided to apologize to the cat that interrupted their press conference. They're even planning a ceremony with premium milk and a red carpet, because clearly, that's the missing piece in their football strategy.

2026-07-07 Read

El Deforma

England's Departure Leaves Teotihuacan Short of Stones, Archaeologists Baffled.

Following England's exit from the World Cup and their departure from Mexico, archaeologists at Teotihuacan reported a mysterious shortage of stones. It seems some English fans took the phrase 'take a stone as a souvenir' a bit too literally.

2026-07-07 Read

Babylon Bee

Local Nazi's Reputation Tarnished by Rape Allegations, Career Cut Short.

A local Nazi's promising political career has been unfortunately derailed by rape allegations. Apparently, even aspiring despots can't escape the long arm of the law... or basic human decency.

2026-07-07 Read

Babylon Bee

Children Sentenced to Another Week at Vacation Bible School, Survival Skills Tested.

After surviving one grueling week of Vacation Bible School, two children have been 'sentenced' by their parents to another week at a different VBS. One can only imagine the trauma and the elaborate escape plans being hatched.

2026-07-07 Read

Babylon Bee

Mitch McConnell's Staff Assures Public His Death Won't Stop Him from Finishing Term.

Senator Mitch McConnell's staff has issued a bold statement: his death will not impede his ability to complete his term. This commitment to public service is truly inspiring, proving that some politicians are truly undead.

2026-07-07 Read

The Onion

Trump's Presidency: A Tupperware Empire Built on Leaky Lids and Lobbying.

In a stunning display of entrepreneurial spirit, President Trump has reportedly peddled nearly $1.4 billion worth of Tupperware to his contacts, transforming White House meetings into impromptu sales pitches. Apparently, leveraging international relations for food storage solutions is the new foreign policy.

2026-07-07 Read

Le Gorafi

Paraguay's Soccer Team Joins Fort Boyard: Prepare for Peak Roublardise!

France 2 is recruiting Paraguay's national team for Fort Boyard, trading creepy crawlies for 'roublardise and cowardice.' Apparently, the producer found their World Cup performance so charmingly devious, they decided to lock them up with contestants.

2026-07-07 Read

The Onion

Study: Women Prefer Beards, Stetsons, and ZZ Top Membership Over Personality.

Forget emotional intelligence; a new study suggests the ultimate dating requirement is a foot-long beard, a Stetson, and the ability to shred 'La Grange.' Apparently, many women are just looking for a partner who comes with a vintage Ford hot rod and a fuzzy guitar.

2026-07-07 Read

The Onion

Critics Rave: New Minions Movie Is A Masterclass in... Minions.

Critics are showering the latest Minions installment with praise, calling it a profound 'love letter to Minions.' Apparently, the film's genius lies in its ability to showcase hundreds of Minions doing Minion-like things, a truly revolutionary concept.

2026-07-07 Read

De Speld

What to Eat to Feel American? Ultra-Processed, Fast Food, and Canned Chicken.

Ever wondered what culinary delights define the American experience? Apparently, it's a delightful smorgasbord of ultra-processed foods, fast food, and the pièce de résistance: canned chicken. Bon appétit, you magnificent patriots!

2026-07-07 Read

The Daily Mash

Farage Resigns to Visit Clacton, Seeking Lost Addresses and Small Boats.

Nigel Farage has bravely resigned to fight for the establishment... and to finally visit Clacton, a place he hasn't seen since 2024. He's hoping to reconnect with locals, perhaps over a pint, while reminiscing about the big money he's missing in America.

2026-07-07 Read

Babylon Bee

U.S. Back In World Cup After Trump Deports Entire Belgian Team.

In a bold move for American soccer supremacy, President Trump has single-handedly secured the U.S. a spot back in the World Cup by deporting the entire Belgian team. Apparently, international diplomacy now involves a U-Haul and a border patrol agent.

2026-07-07 Read

The Beaverton

Poilievre Debuts Galactic Disco Cowboy Look to Fight 'Woke Culture'

Pierre Poilievre is ready to lead the charge against 'woke culture,' sporting a dazzling new galactic disco cowboy ensemble. Apparently, fighting perceived societal ills requires a sequined hat and questionable dance moves.

2026-07-07 Read

The Beaverton

Trump Declares Waffle Tariff After Belgium Beats US in World Cup

In a move that's sure to crumple breakfast menus nationwide, Trump has slapped a 100% tariff on waffles. Apparently, diplomatic relations are now measured in syrup and waffle iron casualties.

2026-07-07 Read

De Speld

Rutte Tries to Hide Brussels' Location from Trump at NATO Summit

Amidst geopolitical tensions, Rutte frantically attempts to shield President Trump from the shocking revelation that Brussels is, in fact, a country. Trump, meanwhile, is hunting for the Belgian delegation to discuss their alleged corruption.

2026-07-07 Read

Le Gorafi

Camping Contest Replaces 'Miss Wet T-Shirt' with 'Miss Dry T-Shirt' Amidst Fires

As wildfires rage, a French campsite bravely soldiers on by hosting a 'Miss Dry T-Shirt' contest, proving that some traditions are too important to be consumed by flames. The winner even gets a fondue pot, because priorities.

2026-07-07 Read

De Speld

Tour de France Super-Domestique Heroesly Fetches Fire Blankets for Entire Team

In a display of unparalleled selflessness, a Tour de France rider, dubbed a 'super-domestique,' bravely retrieves fire blankets for his entire team. It's unclear if the team was actually on fire, but hey, at least they're prepared for spontaneous combustion.

2026-07-07 Read

El Mundo Today

FIFA Nullifies US-Belgium Match After Trump Intervention: 'Balogun Shouldn't Have Played'

FIFA, in a stunning twist only possible in a Trump-influenced universe, has retroactively voided a soccer match because a player shouldn't have played. Apparently, the beautiful game is now subject to presidential tweets and player eligibility loopholes.

2026-07-07 Read

The Daily Mash

Staff Utterly Unimpressed by Boss's Epic Charity Triathlon Announcement

A boss's grand announcement of an Ironman triathlon challenge was met with the enthusiasm of a tax audit. Apparently, details about hydration levels and calf-prodding aren't as exciting as everyone expected.

2026-07-07 Read

The Onion

NBC Builds Fake Chicago Complete With Lake Michigan, Polish People, and Car-Hit Opportunities

NBC has unveiled an interactive Chicago pop-up at Rockefeller Center, complete with a functional Lake Michigan and imported Polish people, so fans can 'experience the Chicagoverse.' For an extra $100, you can even participate in a beloved Chicago tradition: getting hit by a car.

2026-07-07 Read

The Onion

President Trump Claims to See Hunter Biden Smoking Crack on Air Force One Wing

In a moment of profound national security concern, President Trump reported a vision of Hunter Biden casually partaking in illicit activities on the wing of Air Force One. He insisted it wasn't a hallucination, but rather a critical intelligence failure that the crack-smoking Biden immediately thwarted by stuffing his shirt into an engine.

2026-07-07 Read

The Onion

NYC Commuter Shows Unprecedented Compassion to Pregnant Rat on Subway

In a heartwarming display of urban empathy, a weary MTA rider has reportedly given up their seat for a pregnant rat. This noble sacrifice ensures the expectant rodent has a comfortable journey, presumably to a better future away from the subway's questionable ambiance.

2026-07-07 Read

The Daily Mash

American Explains Soccer to the World: More Goals, Fewer Rules, and Definitely Gayer

An American, new to the concept of 'soccer,' has helpfully deconstructed the sport for global improvement. Key suggestions include eliminating 'confusing' offside rules, ditching red cards for star players, and adding more balls to the field because, frankly, 90 minutes without a goal is just boring.

2026-07-07 Read

El Mundo Today

Climate Change Denier Claims Losing Home to Fire is 'Normal for This Time of Year'

A climate change denier, whose house burned down, calmly asserted that losing one's home to a wildfire is simply 'what happens this time of year.' Apparently, the only thing getting hotter is his need for a new place to live, and perhaps a better grasp of reality.

2026-07-07 Read