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Humor Archive

Page 23 of our collection of absurdities.

Cloud Billionaire

Trump Mocks Bezos, Zuckerberg for 'First-Class Groveling' Texts

According to a new book, former President Donald Trump allegedly showed Elon Musk 'groveling' texts from Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg after the 2024 election, privately mocking their attempts to gain his favor. Meanwhile, the surf here in Todos Santos is absolutely firing, and frankly, nobody down here gives a pelican's damn about what goes on in Washington, D.C., or between billionaires with too much time and ego on their hands.

2026-06-20 Read
Cloud Tech

Finally, AI That Controls Your Dreams (Or Just Gives You Weird Headaches)

For those who find reality too mundane, the Prophetic Halo headband promises to induce and stabilize lucid dreams using ultrasound technology and AI. Imagine: controlling your own subconscious narrative! The expats are hoping it'll help them finally dream in fluent Spanish, or at least remember where they left their car keys in their dream mansion.

2026-06-20 Read
Cloud Luxury

Your New Best Friend (If You Have $13.5K to Spare)

Why interact with actual humans when you can have a Unitree G1 Humanoid Robot with up to 43 degrees of freedom and a two-hour battery life? Perfect for fetching your artisanal mezcal or awkwardly dancing at your next exclusive pool party. The expats here are already pre-ordering them for their casitas, probably to replace their gardeners.

2026-06-20 Read
Cloud Gadget

Shade Smarter, Not Harder (Or Cheaper)

Why manually open an umbrella when an AI can do it for you, monitor the wind, and light up your overpriced Baja evenings? Perfect for when you've run out of status symbols for your organic tequila poolside, these umbrellas are practically sentient. The expats are probably installing them next to their imported lawn flamingos.

2026-06-20 Read
Cloud Woo Woo

Finally, Proof Your Aura Needs More Guacamole

For the discerning expat who knows their chakras are misaligned but just can't put their finger on *why*, the Bio-Well GDV device promises to map your energy field from your fingertips with scientific precision. Because nothing says "spiritual awakening" like a fancy gadget telling you what your overpriced crystals already failed to.

2026-06-20 Read
Cloud Kickstarter

Free Fuel for Everyone! (Just Don't Ask How)

Forget range anxiety, or, you know, physics. The 'Fuel Pay' crowdfunding miracle promised "free fuel" for your car, converting "excess energy" into cash for your Visa debit card. While it was quickly debunked as bogus, the expats here are still calculating how many free margaritas they could have gotten before the whole thing inevitably imploded.

2026-06-20 Read
El Deforma

Mexican Fans' Fiesta Forces Korean Journalist to Rethink 'Brotherhood'

A Korean journalist's attempt to report on a soccer match was hilariously derailed by enthusiastic Mexican fans, proving that sometimes, even a global event can't compete with a good old-fashioned party. Apparently, 'respect the broadcast' is a foreign concept when the Gangnam Style is calling.

2026-06-19 Read
El Deforma

Panic! At The Supermarket: Last-Minute Dads Day Gifts Cause Chaos

In a stunning display of procrastination, shoppers descended upon supermarkets in a frenzy to buy Father's Day gifts, realizing mere hours before the event that they, in fact, needed to buy something. The aisles of meat, beer, and garden supplies were reportedly mobbed by panicked parents attempting to solve weeks of neglect in minutes.

2026-06-19 Read
Cloud Macro

Peace Breaks Out, Oil Drops; Baja Expats Still Debating Best Fish Taco.

The historic US-Iran peace deal has sent oil prices tumbling and reopened crucial shipping lanes, sparking global relief. Meanwhile, in Pescadero, the only 'deal' most expats care about is the two-for-one on cervezas, and whether the incoming swell will be overhead. Global stability is quaint, but a good surf forecast is absolutely essential.

2026-06-19 Read
Cloud Macro

Fed Chair Spooks Markets; Pescadero Concerned Only With Next Wave Set.

Federal Reserve signals have commodity markets in a tailspin, with global investors scrambling to adjust. Down here, the biggest 'hawkish signal' anyone’s monitoring is the shadow of a pelican over a pristine barrel at Cerritos. The only 'interest rates' worth discussing are how fast the current pulls you out to the peak, or perhaps the interest in the new beachfront yoga class.

2026-06-19 Read
Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: Bimbo Tortilla Giga-Factory Groundbreaking Delayed by Stampede of Spiritually Awakened, Gluten-Free Cows.

Plans for Bimbo's massive new tortilla plant near Pescadero hit an unexpected snag as local cows, allegedly inspired by a nearby sound bath retreat, refused to move. Witnesses reported the herd, now identifying as 'pasture-fed, gluten-conscious free-spirits,' formed a protective circle around the proposed site, demanding only organic feed and a daily chakra alignment.

2026-06-19 Read
Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: First International Robot Surfing Championships Delayed by AI Shark Sensor Malfunctions in Cerritos.

Organizers for the highly anticipated robot surf-off in Cerritos announced a postponement after several competitor bots began aggressively tracking local paddleboarders instead of waves. Apparently, the new AI-powered shark proximity sensors are still in beta, mistaking paddleboards for 'apex marine predators needing immediate observation.'

2026-06-19 Read
Le Gorafi

Sweating: The New Internet Sensation Everyone Is Freaking Out About

In a groundbreaking revelation, Gorafi Magazine has discovered that sweating is the latest trend to sweep the internet. Apparently, people are now sharing photos and videos of themselves... sweating. Yes, you read that right. The world is apparently so devoid of actual news that we've reached peak perspiration.

2026-06-19 Read
The Onion

Lea Michele Masters Art of Making Co-Stars Cry on Demand

Broadway's Lea Michele has apparently honed a unique talent: making her co-stars weep on cue by dredging up their deepest traumas. Critics are calling it 'method acting meets psychological warfare,' and the audience can't get enough of the authentic breakdowns.

2026-06-19 Read
The Onion

McDonald's Warns Staff: Grimace Might Be a Phishing Scam

McDonald's is urging its employees to ignore emails from anyone claiming to be Grimace, especially if they ask for your credit card number or blood type. Apparently, the giant purple blob is not currently selling 'GrimaceCoin' or soliciting company secrets.

2026-06-19 Read
The Daily Mash

Scots' Post-Loss Temper Tantrum: An American Tourist's Naive Delusion

Americans are enjoying the festive, if slightly inebriated, Scottish football fans, blissfully unaware of the impending rage if their team loses. One local, charmed by kilt-wearing beer enthusiasts, anticipates no trouble, while a Glaswegian reveals stockpiled bricks for an apocalyptic, self-sabotaging tantrum.

2026-06-19 Read
The Daily Mash

Mayor Burnham Declares Himself Destroyer of Worlds, Blames Makerfield Voters

Andy Burnham, fresh from his election win, channelled his inner Oppenheimer to declare himself the harbinger of doom, lamenting that his victory is just the first domino in a catastrophic chain of events. Apparently, his win will lead to Farage's face on the White Cliffs and an international arms race for Mayors.

2026-06-19 Read
De Speld

Baby Can't Save Marriage From Vacation's Wrath

A couple's newborn baby brought them closer, proving that even a tiny human can't overcome the soul-crushing boredom and inevitable arguments that come with a two-week holiday. Apparently, the only thing stronger than parental love is the desire to escape your partner on a Greek island.

2026-06-19 Read
Le Gorafi

FIFA Punishes Player for Almost Making Messi Look Bad

In a move that shocked absolutely no one who follows football's favorite golden child, a player has been suspended for three matches for the egregious crime of *almost* causing Lionel Messi's exclusion. Apparently, even a whiff of controversy is too much for the beautiful game's anointed one.

2026-06-19 Read
The Daily Mash

Public Warned: Your Votes Are Ruining Reform's Narrative!

The public is officially in trouble for not voting correctly, as their irresponsible choices are jeopardizing Reform's meticulously crafted, totally-not-pre-ordained path to power. Apparently, the narrative is king, and your petty votes are just inconvenient plot holes.

2026-06-19 Read
De Speld

Soccer Player Gets Concussion Discussing 'Vaccine' and 'Visualize' with Teammate.

Apparently, football is not the only thing that can give you a headache. Quinten Timber received a mild concussion during a chat about vaccines and visualizing with a teammate. Coach Koeman confirmed, 'His brain got a big hit,' suggesting the Dutch midfielder is 'quite confused.' Clearly, some conversations are more dangerous than a full-contact sport.

2026-06-19 Read
Daily Squib

Politician's 'Victory Cum' on Stage After Election Win Sparks Outrage.

In a shocking turn of events, Commissar Andy Burnham apparently celebrated his politburo election win a bit too enthusiastically. Witnesses report a rather *moist* victory speech, leaving many attendees utterly speechless and possibly in need of a mop. Talk about a messy political ascent!

2026-06-19 Read
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