Page 15 of our collection of absurdities.
Steve Kenner is bravely taking a moral stand against the outfits he is currently laser-focused on observing at his yoga class. It’s truly a heavy burden to be so offended by the very thing you refuse to look away from.
Taylor Swift has finally dethroned the legendary waltzing stallion Geppetto as the most-decorated VMA artist. It’s a shame the horse didn't live to see it, but at least we can all stop pretending that a horse's trot was ever a real musical threat.
After spending a grueling four days in the U.S., Gala Montes is the new face of Duolingo, proving that you too can master a cringe-worthy bilingual persona without ever actually learning the language. The owl is reportedly terrified that she might replace him for being too fluent in his native tongue.
Lucasfilm has unveiled an ambitious plan to hire a 'perfect' visionary director, only to inevitably fire them for 'creative differences' six months later. It’s the ultimate Star Wars experience: paying for a trailer, getting a cancellation notice, and pretending it’s all part of the Jedi way.
President Trump has decided that a giant wooden horse is the perfect olive branch for Iran. What could possibly go wrong when re-enacting the most famously disastrous delivery in human history?
Local officials tried to celebrate World Car-Free Day by having hundreds of people stand in the shape of a bike, but the result looked more like a late-night adult film set than a cycling promotion. It is truly the most 'penetrating' public relations stunt the city has ever seen.
Apparently, riding a jet ski through city streets during a flood is considered 'obstructing traffic' rather than 'innovative commuting.' The government clearly lacks a sense of humor, or at least a sense of aquatic adventure.
AI agents are finally here to perform your tasks, giving you more time to focus on your AI girlfriend and the crushing realization that you have forgotten how to interact with real, crying humans.
Finally, a video game that lets you simulate the true thrill of modern academia: stealing someone else's research on seagrass density for a meager adjunct salary. It's the perfect training for the high-stakes world of plagiarism-based climate science.
A Gloucestershire farmer apparently saw a car full of men and decided to call the cops, clearly fearing that a scenic Sunday drive was actually a tactical invasion. Nothing says 'peaceful countryside' quite like a frantic call to the authorities over the mortal threat of someone having a hobby.
French voters are struggling to tell the difference between a politician and a kitchen appliance, but at least the Airfryer doesn't burn you when you try to store it in a cupboard. It turns out the appliance is polling higher and is significantly easier to unplug when it starts spewing hot air.
Forget eviction moratoriums; the government has decided that the ultimate solution to housing insecurity is a good old-fashioned duel. Apparently, if your landlord sends a notice, you can now respond with lead—because nothing solves a lease dispute like mutual destruction.
Alberta is trying to lure international capital to their half-baked breakaway nation with the kind of confidence usually reserved for pyramid schemes. Nothing screams 'economic stability' like begging for venture capital while simultaneously burning down your own sovereign house.
Conservative critics are outraged that an octogenarian didn't simply pull a luxury apartment out of her family's trust fund like any self-respecting person. Apparently, being poor is just a lack of proper generational planning.
Scientists confirm that whenever two leftists argue in a square, a new political party is spontaneously generated. It's the only law of physics that allows for endless fragmentation.
Local landlords have officially reached peak depravity by listing nylon tents as 'luxury urban studios.' Nothing says 'charming city life' like a zipper door and zero plumbing for the price of a small yacht.
Drivers are finding great joy in paying extra for the privilege of creating smog. It's truly heartwarming to see the commitment to lungs-on-fire urban transit.
Francine Oomen finally tackles the ultimate life hurdle: being reduced to ash while wondering if the oven temperature is too high. It is the perfect bedside read for anyone currently turning into a human briquette, provided you can still hold a book with your ghost hands.
Aymeric survived a harrowing ordeal of forced digital politeness by typing 'haha' to an unwatched video, only to be punished with three more reels for his efforts. Truly, the digital age's most heroic struggle against mediocrity.
In a stroke of satirical genius, the Madrid President joined protesters in the street, proving that high rent is the great equalizer—or perhaps she just wanted to see if the pavement is comfier than her current luxury digs.
Trump tricked an AI into designing military outfits that definitely won't be confused with historical fascist regimes, provided you squint really, really hard and ignore the shiny black boots.
Pranking a teacher is a rite of passage, but seeing the crushing reality of a 58-year-old math educator's empty fridge is enough to make any teenager develop sudden, uncharacteristic empathy.
A deep, investigative look into the rustling of a leaf pile that provides absolutely no answers, much like the headlines in my local Todos Santos paper.
Controversial influencer Jack Doherty shocked absolutely no one by allegedly pocketing roughly $200,000 in a classic memecoin rug pull after swearing he would never sell. Down here in Baja, we’re too busy watching the power grid fail for the third time this week to care about a streamer’s token. Frankly, the local pelicans have a better grasp of macroeconomic supply curves than anyone buying a coin named after a YouTuber.
On-chain sleuths have linked over fifty token launches on the newly minted Robinhood Chain to a coordinated scam operation draining millions from unsuspecting traders. Down here in Todos Santos, nobody cares about layer-2 anti-sniping bypasses or token supply clustering. The only thing getting rugged around here is my patience whenever the local taco truck runs out of al pastor.
This app-connected pellet cooker brings high-tech precision to your backyard so you can burn meat while checking your crypto portfolio. Naturally, every retired accountant in Todos Santos bought one to loudly ruin expensive cuts of beef for their unimpressed Mexican neighbors.
Trading smartwatches for heavy geological rocks, this high-vibration jewelry promises to cure your Wi-Fi burnout through pure placebo effect. Pescadero expats wear them under linen shirts to channel abundance while ignoring local water shutoffs.
A brilliantly doomed crowdfunding campaign promised weightless moon-friction via opposing sole magnets before vanishing with a quarter-million dollars. Desperate local crypto-bros in Baja still check the tracking link daily, hoping to float above the unpaved potholes of Cerritos.
Unitree’s latest automated humanoid can sprint at fourteen kilometers per hour and execute terrifying martial arts forms right next to your pool. Todos Santos retirees are desperately deploying them to intimidate local Iguanas and fetch lukewarm Tecates.
This collar-mounted device uses machine learning to translate barks and meows into painfully honest human speech bubbles. Expats in El Pescadero are weeping into their margaritas after learning their rescue dogs just want them to move back to Ohio.
The VVD wants to decriminalize abortion, but only if they can simultaneously make being friends with PRO a literal crime. Nothing says 'defending principles' like abandoning them entirely to avoid a slightly awkward conversation at the office.
Forget gold bars; the real way to secure your social standing is to name your child after a discount warehouse. Apparently, spelling 'Tiffany' correctly is for the elite, while 'Pigeon' is the height of urban chic.
European anti-fraud cops just conducted coordinated raids across multiple countries chasing millions in allegedly misappropriated European Parliament funds from a defunct right-wing faction. Back here in Baja California Sur, we are deeply concerned by this bureaucratic tragedy, right after we finish checking the overhead barrels rolling in at San Pedrito. Honestly, if Brussels politicians just spent more time paddling out and less time embezzling, they would realize nobody cares about their ledger sheets. Stay tuned as we ignore every single headline from the old world in favor of an extra fish taco.
The Pentagon has released a fresh tranche of declassified UAP files featuring misshapen white balls of light and jellyfish-like objects that defy explanation. Down here on the Baja coast, local fishermen took one look at the sensor data and diagnosed it immediately as a bad batch of mezcal combined with pelicans flying too close to the moon. While Washington panics over interdimensional threats, we are much more focused on an unidentified flying object known as a local manta ray clearing three feet of air out by the point. Keep looking to the skies, nerds; the surf report is all the mystery we need.
Mexican social media is currently locked in a brutal national debate over whether dropping a creative mother-related insult on reality television qualifies as colloquial national heritage. As commentators scream into the digital void over reality show etiquette, the only thing getting insulted down in Baja is our patience whenever a gringo tries to explain the drama over a lukewarm Tecate. We tried to follow the chisme, but the offshore wind started blowing right through the palapa and completely cleared our minds of any celebrity nonsense.
A deeply traumatized digital nomad took to Reddit to launch a scathing grievance against Latin America because the local cars, roosters, and neighborhood life refuse to respect a proper American sleep schedule. From our hammock here in Baja, where the local stray dogs bark a symphony at 4 AM and a guy selling tamales blasts a megaphone past the window at dawn, we shed zero tears for your fragile silence. If you wanted a sterile soundscape where joy is illegal, maybe try a gated subdivision in Ohio instead of whining about the culture outside your window.
Global bond markets are utterly melting down as geopolitical tensions push US Treasury yields to terrifying multi-year highs. Down in Pescadero, however, Todd is currently staring blankly at a three-foot peeling left and trying to remember if taco trucks take Venmo. Nobody on the beach cares about macroeconomic contagion when the water is seventy-six degrees and Pacifico is thirty pesos a can.
Global energy markets convulsed this morning after yet another Middle Eastern ceasefire proposal for the Strait of Hormuz was flatly rejected, sending Brent crude surging. Back in Baja, Chad furrowed his brow at the Chedraui checkout counter over a fifty-cent hike in Hass avocados before immediately forgetting the geopolitical trauma. Local expats agreed that international oil shocks are completely irrelevant as long as the Pemex station still takes cash and the dirt road to San Pedrito stays washed out.
Apparently, the deep, spiritual motivation for playing in Saudi Arabia is a bank account that rivals the GDP of a small nation. Who knew moral integrity could be so easily traded for a desert gold rush?
Advanced humanoid surf bots are currently short-circuiting in the Cerritos shorebreak after attempting to calculate wave priority while simultaneously draining local backup generators for a 20-watt charge. Organizers noted that the androids fit right in with the local expat lineup, exhibiting the exact same blank, unblinking stares.
The downtown Todos Santos OXXO has officially been granted sovereign embassy status, complete with diplomatic immunity for anyone attempting to reload a CFE electricity card. Expats are lining up around the block to conduct geopolitical summits by the questionable hot dog roller.
Engineers claim the new 1GW data center will harness local landfill gases to fuel cutting-edge neural networks. Meanwhile, Pescadero juice bars have already started aggressively marketing the resulting server-farm steam as an organic, gluten-free micro-dose superfood.
Frustrated local farmers in Todos Santos mounted the massive 49-inch curved display onto a wandering cow to properly analyze microscopic soil health metrics beneath the shade panels. The cow immediately walked it into the ocean, citing superior wave conditions in Cerritos.
While Wall Street traders panic over surging bond yields and escalating geopolitical tensions, local gringos drinking $9 iced lattes in Pescadero have confirmed they literally do not care because the wind is offshore at San Pedrito. Everyone has gone back to ignoring their WhatsApp work groups.
Your friend Sam insists that unless you're squinting at decaying reeds from 700 BC, you haven't actually experienced Homer. Apparently, modern paperbacks just 'crop' the epic experience right out of your soul.
The music snobs at Hard Times are tired of watching you rot on Instagram and demand you spend two whole minutes listening to grindcore. It’s either that, or keep staring at your screen like a slack-jawed zombie.
Since Man City’s trophy cabinet is up for grabs, it’s only fair to hand them out to clubs like Stoke City or literal comic book teams. Because honestly, anything is better than letting Mourinho or a corporate entity touch them.
Can't afford a pint, but have 15 sessions of trauma to unpack with a stranger? Just pay £300 an hour to learn how to 'leverage your transferable skills' while ignoring the fact that your Art History degree is currently paying for absolutely nothing.
Brandon McNulty won the world title and a lifetime supply of invasive luggage searches from grumpy border agents. Turns out, some Americans think sporting a rainbow jersey is just too much 'main character energy' for public consumption.
Mona Keijzer is shocked—shocked!—that people aren't tolerant, so she suggests we solve it by being intolerant to everyone else. It’s a bold strategy: save the gays by demanding they stop being so openly gay.
The Pesky Toad is free and ad-light. If you find it useful, toss a few pesos in the tip jar to help keep the servers running and the satire flowing.
