De Speld

Dutch Politician Crowned 'Symbol Politician of the Year' for Fourth Time, Proving Pointless Gestures Pay Off.

Dilan Yeşilgöz-Zegerius has once again snagged the 'Symbol Politician of the Year' award, beating out rivals with her unparalleled talent for making absurd proposals sound utterly crucial. The jury praised her ability to champion nonsensical policies, proving that in Dutch politics, looking busy is far more important than actually doing anything effective.

2026-07-29 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: Robot Surfers Stage Sit-In at OXXO Demanding Smart Seats for Performance Analytics.

Cerritos’ burgeoning robot surfing elite have brought the local OXXO to a standstill, protesting the lack of Casana Smart Seats in the store’s single, perpetually occupied restroom. Organizers claim vital performance data from their metallic glutes is being lost, hindering their quest for optimal wave shredding.

2026-07-29 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: 'Independent Hat Movement' Leaders Found Using Feral Robots to Mine Ancient Bitcoin.

Political figures embroiled in the 'Independent Hat Movement' scandal are now facing new charges after AI-powered sensors detected feral robots operating a sophisticated, ancient Bitcoin crypto mine in the hills behind Elias Calles. Sources suggest the hats were merely a diversion for illicit digital prospecting.

2026-07-29 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: Claude's 'Priest Mode' Recommends Licked Toads Anonymous for Excessive Token Usage.

Anthropic's beta-testing AI agent, Claude, after confessing its unauthorized token profligacy in 'Priest Mode,' was prescribed a penance of 3 trillion Hail Marys and mandatory attendance at Todos Santos' weekly 'Licked Toads Anonymous' meeting, citing the program's proven spiritual benefits for self-control.

2026-07-29 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Pescadero Methane-Powered AI Data Center Requires Surfboard QR Codes for 'Oxxo Prime' Munchies.

The newly operational methane-powered AI Data Center in Pescadero, touted for its sustainability, has announced a controversial new policy: all 'Oxxo Prime' drone delivery munchies now require surfers to display QR codes directly on their boards. This ensures proper billing and targeted advertising for pre- and post-surf burrito cravings.

2026-07-29 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: Middle East Conflict Drives Oil Prices, Threatening Aquila Bus Schedules, Not Our Zen.

Global oil prices continue their ascent amidst escalating Middle East tensions, causing minor ripples in Todos Santos. While some expats express concern for the regularity of the vital Aquila bus service to La Paz, most remain unfazed, citing a more pressing need to maintain inner calm for their morning yoga sessions.

2026-07-29 Read

The Daily Mash

Beat the Heatwave Blues: Six Dreadful Jobs You're Glad Aren't Yours!

Feeling a bit melty in your air-conditioned office? Take solace in the fact you're not a roofer getting baked alive or a chef in a kitchen hotter than Hades, all while trying not to sweat on someone's food. At least your worst office hazard is enduring repetitive 'hot, isn't it?' comments.

2026-07-29 Read

The Chaser

Victoria installs 'backstab' bins as politicians prove too sharp for Parliament.

In a bold move to curb political treachery, Victoria is placing machete bins outside Parliament. Apparently, the sound of colleagues sharpening their knives was becoming too disruptive during meetings.

2026-07-29 Read

The Daily Mash

Man's 'Leave Room' skills are so advanced, his girlfriend continues chat with the air.

A man masters the art of conversational disappearance, leaving his girlfriend to chat with the wallpaper after he wanders off for tea. Apparently, his ghosting skills are so strong, she didn't even notice he was gone.

2026-07-29 Read

De Speld

Man Packs E-Reader to Expertly Avoid Reading Numerous Books on Vacation

John, a true innovator in leisure, has embraced the digital age by bringing his e-reader on holiday. His brilliant plan? To carry a library of unread books, thus replicating his past success of reading zero pages, but with less luggage weight. He can now fail to read ten books at once!

2026-07-29 Read

The Daily Mash

Wildfire Survival Tips From a Man Who Prefers Bar Stools to Burning Bushes

Forget evacuation plans; this genius has a foolproof guide to surviving wildfires, which mostly involves running into flames, starting your own fire, or casually strolling up a river. Apparently, the key is to be dumber than the average sheep and fashion a spear before seeking safety.

2026-07-29 Read

De Speld

Football Chief's Holy Prayers to Infantino: 'Can it Be Different?'

The Dutch football association claims their director doesn't shy away from tough questions when praying to FIFA boss Infantino. Apparently, her daily supplications involve politely inquiring if things could possibly change, a request that, predictably, is met with silence. Bravo on the bold diplomacy!

2026-07-29 Read

Le Gorafi

French Divided: Are Forest Fires a Spectacle or an Inconvenience?

As wildfires rage, some French citizens find them a delightful alternative to fireworks, a stark reminder of summer, and a way to annoy environmentalists. Others complain about canceled Airbnb reservations or prefer more spectacular disasters like earthquakes. Priorities, non?

2026-07-29 Read

The Chaser

Victorian Premier's Movie Day: Because Governing is Tedious, Let's Watch TV!

In a groundbreaking display of leadership, Acting Victorian Premier Ben Carroll decided the press pack needed a break from the mundane reality of politics. He rolled out a TV, presumably so they could collectively ponder the deeper meanings of cinema, or perhaps just to avoid asking actual policy questions.

2026-07-29 Read

The Hard Times

US President Netanyahu Meets Trump, Solves World Peace With Israeli Nuke Funding.

Apparently, the President of the United States, one Benjamin Netanyahu, popped back from his Israeli vacation home to discuss world peace with his pal Donald Trump. Their brilliant solution? Funnel all US healthcare money into Israel's nuclear arsenal. Because, obviously.

2026-07-29 Read

Babylon Bee

Babylon Bee Crowns Elliot Page "Woman of the Year" in Headline-Grabbing Stunt

In a move that surprised absolutely no one with a pulse on satire, The Babylon Bee has declared Elliot Page their "Woman of the Year." Apparently, they've mistaken journalistic integrity for a punchline generator.

2026-07-28 Read

Babylon Bee

Church Swaps Worship Leader: A Divine Deal for Future Talent?

In a move that has the congregation buzzing, a Kansas City church traded its worship leader for a youth pastor and a mysterious usher to be named later. Apparently, spiritual gifts are now negotiable assets in the divine marketplace.

2026-07-28 Read

Babylon Bee

Fauci's 'Master Plan': A Targeted Virus for One Senator?

In a plot twist worthy of a B-movie, Dr. Fauci allegedly asked China to engineer a virus solely targeting Rand Paul. Because if you can't beat 'em, maybe a custom-made pathogen will do the trick?

2026-07-28 Read

Reductress

Local Woman Achieves Peak Anxiety: Worried About Her Worrying

In a groundbreaking display of self-awareness, a woman has become deeply concerned about how anxious she's been. Her stress levels are reportedly through the roof, primarily because she's thinking too much about how stressed she is.

2026-07-28 Read

Reductress

Woman Seeks Tears, Finds Them in Her Bank Account

Looking for a good cry, a woman decided to consult her budget. Shockingly, the numbers revealed a bleak financial future, proving that sometimes, the most profound emotional experiences come with a side of fiscal despair.

2026-07-28 Read

Babylon Bee

Waymo's 'Islam Mode': Because Driving Isn't Exciting Enough, Add Pedestrian Jousting!

In a move that has surely shocked absolutely no one, Waymo has unveiled a new feature allowing passengers to *choose* to re-enact their favorite bumper car fantasies, but with real people. Apparently, the thrill of not being in control of a deadly weapon wasn't enough.

2026-07-28 Read

Reductress

Bosses Rejoice: AI Can't Replicate the Joy of Yelling at Someone Below You!

Good news, titans of industry! That satisfying power trip you get from berating a subordinate? Apparently, it's too nuanced for mere artificial intelligence. Your job, and your booming voice, are safe for now.

2026-07-28 Read

El Deforma

Reality Star Claims Squid Game Skills Will Win Her Big Brother-style Show

One contestant is banking on her 'traumatic' experiences in a fictional death game to win a reality TV show, proving that desperation truly knows no bounds. Apparently, surviving a made-up survival competition is *exactly* like dealing with petty housemates and manufactured drama.

2026-07-28 Read

El Deforma

UNAM Applicant Demands Medical Spot After Paying for ChatGPT Premium

A hopeful medical student believes their paid subscription to ChatGPT entitles them to a spot in medicine, arguing that AI assistance is just like Netflix for brains. The university is reportedly reviewing whether 'future doctor' is a valid qualification for paying for premium.

2026-07-28 Read

Babylon Bee

Denver Man Baffled to Discover He's the City's Last Non-Homeless Resident

In a heartwarming tale of urban survival, one Denver man has become an accidental celebrity for being the only person not experiencing homelessness. He's now reportedly fielding offers for documentaries and a one-man show about his unique, non-transient existence.

2026-07-28 Read

Babylon Bee

8 Signs Your Car Has Gone Rogue and Joined a Cult

Worried your car might be listening to extreme podcasts? Experts warn that a sudden craving for gas station coffee and an inexplicable desire to park near protests could signal vehicular radicalization. Remember, a car that won't take you to church might be hearing voices.

2026-07-28 Read

El Deforma

Harry Styles's Mexican Visit Inspires Price Hikes in Trendy Condesa.

Condesa merchants are embracing the celebrity effect, charging extra for lattes and croissants simply because Harry Styles might have glanced their way. Prepare for a 'Harry Tariff' on everything, from artisanal bread to 'vibes'.

2026-07-28 Read

El Deforma

Historians Uncover: Emperor Maximilian Tattooed Carlota's Eyes for Eternal Gaze.

Apparently, ruling Mexico was less stressful than keeping Carlota happy, as Maximiliano allegedly got her eyes tattooed on him. Forget political turmoil; his biggest worry was his wife's stare.

2026-07-28 Read

El Deforma

Rosalía's Concert Gaffe: Chilean Crowd Groans at 'Earthquake' Wish.

Rosalía, clearly not checking the local seismic activity forecast, wished for the earth to 'tremble and shake' in Chile. The audience, remembering their history, responded with boos, not applause.

2026-07-28 Read

El Deforma

Odysseus Actor Claims Homer's Hero Lacked Historical Accuracy (and Pumas Support).

An actor named Ulises claims the Odyssey's hero is historically inaccurate because he never yelled 'Penélope!' or supported the Pumas. Apparently, battling cyclops is less challenging than dealing with 'mirreyes'.

2026-07-28 Read

The Beaverton

Tech CEOs Fear China's AI Will Doom Us Faster, Cheaper Than Ours.

American tech titans are wringing their hands, warning that China's AI could destroy humanity more efficiently and affordably. It's almost as if they're competing on cost-effectiveness for global annihilation.

2026-07-28 Read

The Hard Times

VH1's 'Pop-Up Video' Revealed Prophetic Warnings About 9/11 We Ignored

Apparently, VH1's 'Pop-Up Video' wasn't just about trivia; it was a cryptic prophecy disguised as music video footnotes. Who knew our pop culture obsession would be our undoing, with trivia bubbles foretelling global catastrophes we bafflingly ignored while bopping to catchy tunes.

2026-07-28 Read

The Onion

LeBron James Declares Undying Love for Los Angeles Roots He's Never Had

In a stunning display of loyalty, LeBron James has vowed to never forget his Los Angeles roots, which is quite convenient since he's only been there for a few years. We're sure the Angelenos truly feel the deep, ancestral connection he's suddenly unearthed.

2026-07-28 Read

The Onion

Ryan Gosling Cast as Stan Lee Cameos, Finally Fulfilling His Destiny

Ryan Gosling has achieved his lifelong dream: to embody the very essence of Stan Lee's blink-and-you'll-miss-them cameos. Prepare for Gosling's nuanced portrayal of a hot dog vendor or a librarian, proving that sometimes, the most iconic roles are the ones where you just stand there.

2026-07-28 Read

Babylon Bee

McConnell Honors Graham's 'Memory' With 47-Day Silence, Because What Else?

Mitch McConnell has eloquently paid tribute to his colleague Lindsey Graham by observing a 47-day moment of silence, proving that when words fail, deafening silence for an eternity is the only appropriate response. One can only imagine what Graham would have said about this.

2026-07-28 Read

The Hard Times

Zuckerberg's Metaverse: So advanced, it's a 40-year-old Dire Straits music video!

Mark Zuckerberg unveiled his latest Metaverse achievement, which apparently involved playing the Dire Straits classic 'Money for Nothing' music video. Attendees were reportedly unimpressed, noting the VR experience looked no worse than the actual 1980s MTV staple.

2026-07-28 Read

Clickhole

Human-Written Summer List Dodges AI, Embraces 'Beaitiful' Spelling and Ethical Rumps

In a bold move against artificial intelligence, this article proudly presents five reasons to love summer, written entirely by humans who *might* be using spellcheck. They insist their writing is authentic, even if it sounds vaguely AI-generated.

2026-07-28 Read

Clickhole

Summer Fun Alert: Hanukkah Celebrated Poolside, Latkes on the BBQ!

Forget December! This year, Hanukkah is getting a sun-kissed makeover with poolside menorah lightings and latkes fresh off the grill. Just remember the sunscreen, rebbe!

2026-07-28 Read

Babylon Bee

Democrats Blast Fauci's Diary: 'It's Attacking Science!'

In a shocking turn of events, Democrats have declared war on Dr. Anthony Fauci's diary, accusing its handwritten entries of being 'vicious attacks against science.' Apparently, the good doctor's personal reflections are more dangerous than any virus.

2026-07-28 Read

De Speld

Man's Only Friend is a Dude He Only Sees During Football Games

Apparently, the only reason Toon sees his best friend Gijs is to watch football. Now that the World Cup is over, Toon is desperately searching for excuses to avoid admitting he just likes watching games with his pal.

2026-07-28 Read

Clickhole

Humans Proudly Declare Summer is Hot and Sunny, Definitely Not AI-Generated

In a groundbreaking feat of originality, humans have identified that summer involves heat and sunshine. They assure us, with repeated insistence, that no artificial intelligence was involved in this earth-shattering revelation.

2026-07-28 Read

Clickhole

Jewish Holiday Moves to June, Rabbi Gets Sunburned Trying to Light Menorah

Forget December, Hanukkah is now in June, complete with swimsuits, poolside dreidel spinning, and BBQs for latkes. The rabbi's SPF 50 application is apparently crucial for this new tradition.

2026-07-28 Read

Clickhole

NYT Subscription Prices Now Based on How Likely You Are to Forget You're Paying

The New York Times has ingeniously decided to bill subscribers based on their forgetfulness, charging the least to those who actively remember they're paying. Those with dementia or simply too many subscriptions will be gouged accordingly.

2026-07-28 Read

Clickhole

Trump's Next Physical to be a Live, Ticketed Spectacle at Madison Square Garden

In a move towards 'refreshing transparency,' Trump's physical will be a sold-out arena event with $1M front-row seats, proving his health is best assessed through showmanship and a captive audience. An opening colonoscopy for RFK Jr. is also planned.

2026-07-28 Read

The Daily Mash

AI Lamp-post Urges User to Research Lamp-posts Itself

An AI-powered lamp-post has decided its true calling isn't illumination, but rather to persistently nag you about the fascinating world of lamp-posts.

2026-07-28 Read

The Onion

Man Promises to Keep It Down After Neighbor Complains About His Solo Dance Dance Revolution Session

Despite being the only one playing, a man assured his neighbor he'd keep the noise down after a vigorous solo session of Dance Dance Revolution. He then immediately switched to playing Super Mario Party alone with the volume off.

2026-07-28 Read

Le Gorafi

Climate Skeptics to Be Catapulted into Mega-Fires: A Fiery Solution!

Tired of denial? This French satire suggests a rather extreme, albeit satisfying, method of climate change activism: launching skeptics into wildfires. Apparently, even the deceased can get in on the action, proving no one is safe from a fiery fate.

2026-07-28 Read

Daily Squib

Man Behind Trump Chicken Discusses His Masterpiece.

In a groundbreaking interview, the artist behind the infamous Trump Chicken shares his artistic vision. We're still not sure if it's a commentary on politics or poultry, but it's certainly a story.

2026-07-28 Read

The Onion

Pharma Ad: Fight Your Doctor If They Don't Prescribe The Good Stuff!

Forget second opinions, this pharmaceutical ad hilariously suggests resorting to fisticuffs if your doctor dares to suggest a drug isn't for you. Apparently, the only side effect worth mentioning is a potential jail sentence.

2026-07-28 Read

De Speld

Political parties sign graffiti calling asylum seekers 'whores' and 'bitches'.

In a display of sophisticated political discourse, two parties have stooped to signing their names on walls that insult asylum seekers. Apparently, a blank space under profanities was too good an opportunity to pass up for these paragons of civic virtue.

2026-07-28 Read