Le Gorafi

Criminology expert advises on grocery lists, declares cumin gouda 'disgusting'.

A criminology professor has weighed in on grocery shopping, suggesting we organize our lists by column and shun fatty foods, because apparently, crime prevention starts with kale. He also advises against cumin gouda, deeming it 'disgusting,' which, frankly, is the most shocking revelation in this entire report.

2026-06-18 Read

The Daily Mash

Keir Starmer: Reform Party aren't 'monsters,' just 'vaguely problematic.'

Keir Starmer has bravely declared that the Reform party isn't quite the bunch of monsters everyone thought, suggesting they might actually have some good qualities. Apparently, their manifesto's bold claims and occasional antisemitic councillor shares are just minor quirks, easily forgiven, much like Starmer's own lockdown beer incident.

2026-06-18 Read

The Beaverton

Trump's new Iran deal: 14 points, 14 previously announced deals.

Donald Trump has finally released his Memorandum of Understanding with Iran, a groundbreaking 14-point plan. The brilliance? One point is dedicated to each time Trump previously announced a deal to end the war, proving his commitment to... well, announcing things.

2026-06-18 Read

De Speld

Hawaii shirt achieves enlightenment, becomes recycled shorts.

After a decade of service and smelling perpetually of sunscreen, Guido's aggressively cheerful Hawaii shirt decided it was time for a change. It has now been reborn as recycled shorts, proving that even polyester can find its true calling in the recycling bin.

2026-06-18 Read

The Shovel

Government grants CGT carve-out for 'small businesses' like News Corp (10,000 employees).

In a move that totally benefits the little guy, the Australian government has exempted 'small businesses' – defined as those with fewer than 10,000 employees – from CGT changes. News Corp, a truly struggling startup, is reportedly overjoyed, while the Murdoch press hails the government as heroes of the working class.

2026-06-18 Read

The Hard Times

Opinion: Violence is Bad, Unless You're the Cops, Military, or Israel

In a groundbreaking twist of logic, this opinion piece reminds us that while *your* political violence is a societal ill, *their* political violence is just Tuesday. Apparently, if you've got the badge, the uniform, or the unquestionable right to exist, it's all good.

2026-06-18 Read

The Hard Times

Harvard: Childfree Women Who Like Bob Seger Are Officially 'Daddies'

Forget biology, folks! Harvard sociologists have decreed that if you're a woman without kids and you jam to 'Night Moves,' you're technically a dad. So grab your flannel and start making questionable life choices, ladies!

2026-06-18 Read

The Hard Times

Unemployed Friend Asks If You're Free Tuesday at 2 PM, Obviously

Breaking news from the land of the perpetually leisurely: your jobless pal wants to hang out during peak working hours. Don't they know some of us have actual responsibilities, like fetching their artisanal coffee?

2026-06-18 Read

The Beaverton

Man Happy to Ignore Military-Industrial Complex for 'Top Gun' Bliss

In a powerful display of cognitive dissonance, one man is willing to temporarily forget global geopolitical complexities for two glorious hours of fighter jets and Tom Cruise. Because sometimes, escapism trumps existential dread.

2026-06-17 Read

The Beaverton

Woman Misses Ex, But Really Just Misses His Cat

In a shocking revelation that surprises absolutely no one, a woman's longing for her ex has been traced to a furry, four-legged culprit. Apparently, purrs are more potent than passion, and catnip is the new love potion.

2026-06-17 Read

Reductress

Boyfriend's "It's Okay" Nearly Worse Than Actual Grievance, Sources Say

Apparently, 'It's okay' is now the verbal equivalent of a stiletto to the gut, far more insidious than a direct confession of wrongdoing. Some might say the real apology is the friendship we destroyed along the way.

2026-06-17 Read

Reductress

Waterpark's Bacterial Bloom Blamed on 'Rudimentary Knowledge' of Simple Science

In a shocking display of amphibian-level ignorance, a waterpark's patrons were treated to a bacterial buffet thanks to a shocking lack of basic hygiene understanding. Who knew water and germs could mix? Clearly, not the park management.

2026-06-17 Read

Reductress

Woman Bravely Dodges Grad School Research During Existential Meltdown

In a feat of truly baffling self-preservation, a woman has managed to navigate the abyss of existential dread without resorting to the usual panic-researching of graduate programs. Her secret? Apparently, it's called 'ignoring the problem'.

2026-06-17 Read

Reductress

Woman Declares Departure, Sets New Record for Extended Goodbye

Breaking news from the land of vague intentions: a woman has announced her imminent departure, scheduled for approximately three hours from now. Her commitment to a dramatic, protracted exit is truly inspiring.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

Governor Checks California Businesses for 'Gay Enough' Owners, Because Why Not?

Minnesota's Governor Tim Walz has volunteered for the critical task of personally inspecting California businesses to ensure their owners meet a certain, highly specific 'gayness' quota. Because who better to judge the vibe than an outsider with too much time?

2026-06-17 Read

Reductress

Woman's Masterful 5-Year Plan: Get Laid Off With a Fat Severance Check

Forget climbing the corporate ladder; this visionary has devised a far more strategic path to financial success: a meticulously planned layoff with a generous severance package. Ambition truly takes many forms.

2026-06-17 Read

Reductress

Phone Battery Dies, Woman's Cover Blown: No Fake Call to Escape To

In a devastating turn of events, a woman's elaborate charade of pretending to be on her phone has been thwarted by a dead battery. Now she's forced to actually engage with reality, a fate worse than any pretend call.

2026-06-17 Read

The Beaverton

Trump Falls for Inflatable G7 Summit: A Masterclass in Dodgy Diplomacy.

In a diplomatic coup that would make a toddler proud, world leaders successfully duped Donald Trump into attending a G7 summit made entirely of inflatable props. Apparently, the key to international peace is a well-placed bouncy castle and a few strategically inflated egos.

2026-06-17 Read

El Deforma

Swedish Tourists Learn Monterrey's 'Special Sauce': Extra Charges for Being Foreign.

A group of Swedish tourists learned that in Monterrey, 'machaca' isn't the only thing that's pricey, as one restaurant apparently charged them extra for the privilege of being foreign. It seems the only thing scarcer than a fair price is a surprise when locals overcharge visitors.

2026-06-17 Read

El Deforma

South Koreans Party So Hard, Mexico Considers Honorary Citizenship.

After enthusiastically embracing Mexican culture (read: drinking and dancing like no tomorrow), South Korean World Cup fans might get honorary Mexican citizenship. Apparently, mastering 'Payaso de Rodeo' is the new prerequisite for naturalization.

2026-06-17 Read

El Deforma

Grandpa's Browsing History Exposed During Family World Cup Watch Party.

A family's World Cup viewing party took an unexpected turn when Grandpa's computer revealed a browser history more diverse than the tournament's participating nations. Let's just say his 'aerobics' searches were… specific.

2026-06-17 Read

El Deforma

FIFA Seeks Nation's Best Dressed Duck: Merlin the Mexican Mascot Steps Up.

Forget official mascots; FIFA is apparently on the hunt for a duck named Merlin who sported a Mexico jersey. We're hoping this isn't just about a cute photo op, but about making him Executive Vice President of Quackery.

2026-06-17 Read

El Deforma

Cape Verde Goalkeeper's Voice So Good, Record Labels Want to Sign Him.

Cape Verde's goalkeeper, Vozinha, whose vocalizations on the field were apparently more captivating than any pop star, is now fielding offers from record labels. Who knew yelling defensive instructions could be the next big hit single?

2026-06-17 Read

The Onion

Nation Celebrates Originality by Watching Film With No Existing IP

In a stunning display of critical thinking, Americans are patting themselves on the back for enjoying a movie that wasn't a sequel or prequel. Apparently, sitting through two and a half hours of new characters and plot was a Herculean effort worth celebrating.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

MLB Commissioner Threatens Players with Fiery Furnace for Pride Flag Disrespect

In a bold move to enforce sartorial enthusiasm, MLB's Rob Manfred has decreed that any player who doesn't sufficiently bow to the Pride flag will be dramatically cast into a fiery furnace. Apparently, rainbow hats aren't enough; true devotion requires pyrotechnics.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

Trump Declares Victory: Reopens Strait That Was Already Open Before He Started War

In a move that has absolutely everyone scratching their heads, President Trump has claimed a monumental victory by reopening the Strait of Hormuz. This vital waterway was, you see, functioning perfectly fine before he initiated the war that necessitated its reopening.

2026-06-17 Read

Clickhole

Queen Elizabeth II's Accidental AI Adventure: A Royal Screw-Up

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, bravely ventured into the mysterious realm of 'Artificial Intelligence' and emerged utterly bewildered, yet strangely delighted. Apparently, asking an AI to organize her bones after death was a stroke of genius, or perhaps just a Royal typo.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

McDonald's Reintroduces Original Apple Pies, Complete with 19th-Century Cocaine

Get ready for a nostalgic trip back to the 1800s, because McDonald's is bringing back its original apple pies! And by 'original,' they mean the ones with a hint of that special something... cocaine. Because what screams 'vintage charm' like a powdery surprise?

2026-06-17 Read

The Hard Times

GWAR Overjoyed to Meet Alanis Morissette, Prepare for Existential Entrails

Who knew that behind the gore and mayhem, GWAR's toughest members harbored a deep love for Alanis Morissette's sensitive '90s ballads? They're practically vibrating with excitement to meet her, proving that even blood-spewing aliens can find solace in 'Ironic'.

2026-06-17 Read

The Daily Mash

Wombles Return: Now 'Woke,' Sexy, and Ready for Adult Exploitation

Hold onto your recycling bins, folks, because the Wombles are back and they've undergone a rather… adult transformation. Apparently, the new plan involves a studded leather Tobermory and Madame Cholet running a brothel, because nothing says 'childhood nostalgia' like sexual awakenings and gentrification.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

Iran Promises to Be Good, World Believes It

In a move that has stunned absolutely no one, Iran has promised to stop being a geopolitical nuisance. World leaders are reportedly showering the nation with gold stars and cookies, convinced this is the start of a beautiful, albeit temporary, friendship.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

Vacation Bible School Themes: A Denominational Showdown

As summer rolls in, denominations prepare to indoctrinate the youth with their uniquely tailored Vacation Bible School themes. From 'Noah's Ark-ival' to 'Jesus's Tacos,' these themes promise spiritual enlightenment and possibly a mild case of heatstroke.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

Biden Crashes G7, Asks World Leaders for Ice Cream Cones

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, a seemingly confused Joe Biden wandered into the G7 summit, mistaking it for a particularly important ice cream social. He politely inquired about the whereabouts of the chocolate-dipped cones, leaving global leaders to ponder the fate of the free world between scoops.

2026-06-17 Read

Le Gorafi

Student Who Didn't Sweat Exam Turn Out To Be A Lizard

During a sweltering exam in Toulouse, one student remained remarkably cool, only for it to be revealed they were a monitor lizard named Diego Sanchez. Apparently, this reptilian scholar was attracted by the heat and student stress, seeking an easy prey... or perhaps just a well-lit, air-conditioned spot to nap.

2026-06-17 Read

De Speld

Man Buys Cheap House, Discovers It's In A Neighborhood Of Extreme Dutch Pride

Josef thought he'd snagged a bargain on a house, only to discover his new abode is located on 'Orange Street.' The neighborhood's fervent Dutch football fandom, complete with inflatable mascots and relentless orange decor, has left Josef contemplating a swift resale, or perhaps a strategically placed Ronald Koeman poster.

2026-06-17 Read

Duffel Blog

New Military Plan: Separate Branches for Superstars and 'Tards'

Defense Secretary Hegseth proudly announced a military overhaul creating two elite branches: one for the truly capable and another for... well, let's just say those who struggle with basic tasks and possibly testicles. Pentagon spokesmen assure us this 'merit-based' system is purely coincidental, despite leaked documents suggesting the categories are 'Superior Service' and 'Tards'.

2026-06-17 Read

The Daily Mash

England Declares Croatia Its Nemesis, Blames Lack of Proper Thrashing

England, baffled by Croatia's audacity to win football matches, has officially declared them a nemesis. The article laments that perhaps a good old-fashioned 'British nanny-style thrashing' is in order, implying that if Croatia doesn't lose, they're clearly cheating.

2026-06-17 Read

The Onion

Woman's Bold Apple Choice Sparks Existential Crisis and Interstate Joyride

In a move that shocked absolutely no one who understands basic fruit purchasing, Emily Lentz bravely risked trying a different apple. Her life is now forever changed, or at least, until she gets caught driving 95 mph in a stolen car after a Granny Smith.

2026-06-17 Read

The Onion

Creator Confirms Tony Soprano Died Every Single Episode, Duh.

David Chase finally cleared things up: Tony Soprano died in all 86 episodes. Apparently, if you missed the repeated on-screen deaths and subtle hints, you just weren't paying attention. Pass the gabagool, I guess.

2026-06-17 Read

The Onion

Woman's Death Insufficient to Recall Questionable Ground Beef.

Sadly, Fran Stephens has passed. However, her demise, even at the ripe old age of 50, wasn't quite enough to make anyone consider throwing out that suspicious-looking ground beef. Priorities, people!

2026-06-17 Read

The Onion

Child's Drawing Sparks Daddy Issues; Dad's Size Questioned.

A child's innocent crayon masterpiece has thrown the parents into a tizzy, with everyone now pondering the alarming proportions of Dad. Perhaps he's just really good at drawing stick figures... with an unusually large head.

2026-06-17 Read

Babylon Bee

Retro Game Reviewer Slams Ocarina of Time for Lacking Modern Shenanigans.

A brave soul revisited Ocarina of Time, lamenting its lack of emotes, skins, and loot boxes. Clearly, the reviewer missed the point, much like Link misses sleep trying to save Hyrule without a battle pass.

2026-06-17 Read

Le Gorafi

Child Accidentally Attends Toy Story 5 Screening, Escorted Out After Trailer.

A young lass mistakenly entered a Toy Story 5 showing, only to be removed after the Scary Movie trailer. Cinema staff are now considering age restrictions up to 34 years old for animated films.

2026-06-17 Read

De Speld

Minister's Nitrogen Plan Accidentally Makes Him Social Media King.

Dutch Minister Jaimi van Essen's new nitrogen plan has inexplicably turned him into an online sensation with 5 million followers. Apparently, presenting controversial agricultural policy is the new thirst trap.

2026-06-17 Read

The Daily Mash

Britain Decides Yacht Owners Deserve Whatever Calamity Befalls Them.

Apparently, if you're wealthy enough to own a yacht, any misfortune, from pirate attacks to being shot at by a Russian warship, is entirely your own fault. Britain has helpfully agreed that you made your bed of luxury, now lie in whatever watery grave awaits.

2026-06-17 Read

The Daily Mash

New Bartender, Who Thinks Guinness is a Type of Beer, Excited for Busy Shift.

A pub is about to experience its most 'authentic' evening ever as a completely untrained bartender tackles England's biggest match, armed only with blissful ignorance and the belief that turning off the TV will solve everything. Patrons are advised to bring their own drinks... and patience.

2026-06-17 Read

El Mundo Today

Zapatero Arrives at Court, Police Device More Extensive Than Usual.

Former President Zapatero shows up for questioning, and the police presence is so massive you'd think he was arriving with a marching band. Perhaps they're just really excited about seeing him in person.

2026-06-17 Read

El Mundo Today

Study Confirms Love Has No Age, But Prefers Them 20 Years Younger.

Stanford researchers have discovered that love is ageless, unless, of course, the object of your affection is significantly younger. Apparently, while love may be blind, it has excellent taste in youthful companionship.

2026-06-17 Read

El Mundo Today

Procrastinator Given 3 Months to Live, Will Get Around to Dying in 2 Years.

A man told he has three months to live has decided to put off his demise for at least two years, proving that some habits are truly terminal. Doctors are reportedly impressed by his commitment to delaying the inevitable.

2026-06-17 Read

The Daily Mash

Reality TV Fans Convinced Scripted Dramas Are Utterly, Shockingly Real.

Bless their cotton socks, people are still watching 'reality' TV and genuinely believing it's all spontaneous. Apparently, the manufactured drama of people yelling at each other is just too authentic to be fake.

2026-06-17 Read