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humor The Onion 2026-06-26

Ken Paxton Profile: Smirk Angle 34°, Favorite Exercise is Shaking Fist at Unwed Mothers

Texas AG Ken Paxton's political profile reveals his signature style involves rushing to put his belt back on and his campaign slogan is 'Come Alone With Small, Unmarked Bills.' Apparently, his political goals are simply 'Not going to prison,' which, given the options, seems like a reasonable ambition.

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