In a groundbreaking decision, Salem parents aborted their unborn child, citing the overwhelming burden of potential happiness as the primary reason. Apparently, this baby was destined for a life so blissful, it simply couldn't cope. We salute their proactive approach to preventing joy.

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6a24a97ac850b6a24a97ac850c.jpg" style="width: 100%;" width="400" /><p>SALEM, OR - Local parents Terry and Jessica Pritchard decided to abort their baby after receiving the devastating news that he would be among the happiest demographic on the planet.</p>