The Church of England has helpfully clarified that self-pleasure is only a sin if you're attractive. Apparently, God's okay with lonely, unattractive folks getting their freak on, but if you're a ten and doing it solo, you're headed for hell. Share the love, hotties!

THE Church of England has announced that self-pleasure is only a real sin if you are attractive to others. <p><strong>THE Church of England has announced that self-pleasure is only a real sin if you are attractive to others.</strong></p> <p>Following consultation with bishops, the Anglican church has decreed onanism is fine for those who nobody wants to get off, but an offence in God’s sight for hotties.</p> <p>Stephen Cottrell, Archbishop of York, said: “The diocese has met and we have decreed:...