In a feat of multitasking that would make any spectator proud, a local man managed to keep his eyes on the game while engaged in his favorite solo sport. His dedication to both proved he's truly a man of many talents, especially with his hands.

<p>SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday night’s game between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. After drawing the window shades and settling himself in his favorite easy chair, [&#8230;]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/masturbating-man-keeping-eye-on-game/">Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game</a> appea...