From aggressively ruining casual five-a-side matches to launching an unhinged podcast, here is your guide to channeling athletic mediocrity into pure, unadulterated resentment.

SINCE consciousness first dawned, you were determined to become a professional footballer. You’re shit at football. So what do you do now? <p><strong>SINCE consciousness first dawned, you were determined to become a professional footballer. You’re shit at football. So what do you do now? </strong></p> <p><strong>Become an ultra</strong></p> <p>You’ll never make the team, but you’re more committed than any mere player or board member could ever be. The intensity of your love borders on criminal: ...