Turns out, elite athleticism must be fueled by something more exciting than a stale Marlboro. Science decrees you’re not an athlete if you can manage a smoke break during the match.

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<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/69d952f44c5a969d952f44c5aa.jpg" style="width: 100%;" width="400" /><p>U.S. — A group of sports science experts have ruled that a game cannot be classified as a sport if it is possible to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes while playing.</p>