Jesus clarifies His Second Coming will be all about woodworking projects, not saving the world. He can't wait to finish a walnut kitchen island he set aside 2 millennia ago!

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<p>JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. &#8220;While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be [&#8230;]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/jesus-clarifies-return-will-be-strictly-limited-to-carpentry-business/">Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly L...