A bipartisan clutch of U.S. senators has formally petitioned the SEC to poke around the wreckage of the $TRUMP memecoin after reports that nearly a million retail degens dropped over $3.8 billion. Down here in the dust of Baja California Sur, the local gringo crypto syndicate is too busy trying to figure out why Starlink speeds are dropping to care about presidential tokenomics. Rumor has it that half the guys at the beach bar bought the dip anyway, hoping to trade their bags for a functioning pangas boat. Regulation schmegulation; nobody checks smart contracts when the fish are biting off Los Barriles.