A massive $116 million Bitcoin theft allegedly tied to cryptographic randomness weaknesses in Coldcard hardware wallets has crypto security nerds sweating bullets across the globe. Meanwhile, down in our dusty corner of Baja, the only cold card anyone cares about is the one wedged into the ice chest to keep the limes fresh. Let the digital maximalists panic over flawed recovery seeds and brute-force math; out here, if you can't bury it under a palm tree or trade it for a bucket of fresh clams, it doesn't exist.