Down here in Baja, the only thing crashing is my neighbor's ancient satellite internet when a rogue mango falls on the dish. Meanwhile, up in the states, Hunter Biden has dropped a forensic accounting report to explain that his $LAPTOP memecoin tanking 98% in two minutes was actually the fault of rogue market makers running off with millions. Frankly, we care about this about as much as a dehydrated pelican cares about layer-2 scaling solutions; we’re just trying to keep the Pacific Tecate cold while the local grid flickers out for the third time today.