Washington just declassified another mountain of Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena records featuring spherical objects and glowing vertical bars that defy conventional physics. Meanwhile, down on the Baja coast, local fishermen took one look at the blurry military sensor footage and noted that a pulsing ball of light over the water looks suspiciously like a stingray on cheap mezcal. We welcome our new cosmic overlords, provided they can drop in on a clean left-hand point break without dropping their shields.