A catastrophic firmware bug in Coldcard hardware wallets managed to remotely drain nearly $89 million in Bitcoin from thousands of supposed "cold storage" addresses. Out here in Baja, nobody cares about seed phrases or remote exploits because the grid just failed for the fourth time this week and the Tecate is getting dangerously warm. Let the nerds panic over their offline keys; we're too busy watching a stray pelican stare down a taco truck.